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11|2|Donna... I am so sorry!|sunriver|lithiasalt@cheerful.com|06:01:08|05/11/2010|It has become sort of a tradition for me to post this on Refundsweepers on Mother's Day! I just like to reach out to others who have also lost a child, especially anyone who is fairly new at grieving. Dylan would have been almost 12 now which is so hard for me to imagine. I wrote the following piece seven years ago.
The Power of Love
By Vanessa Houk
If someone were to ask me, "How can you possibly survive the loss of a child?", I'm sure I would just stare at them blankly and wouldn't be able to come up with an answer and yet August 29 will mark the five year anniversary of my son, Dylan's death. Somehow I am still here. When I think back to 1998 and the years that have followed, I remember many times when I did not want to be. Over the years I have tried to describe what that pain feels like, but I have come to the conclusion that there are no words for it. That void is huge.
Losing a child changes a family, changes a marriage. Love is powerful though, and ultimately that is what saved us.
Grief is private. Even though you can have people supporting you, nobody else can feel your feelings and nobody else can face that darkness. In some ways I felt like I had also lost my closest friend-- my husband who was simply unable to be my sounding board. He hurt for me and I hurt for him and collectively our pain was just too much to handle. So we learned to respect that and on the rare occasions when we talk about our respective grief, it is done cautiously. It is a great testament to our love and friendship that our marriage is still strong. Many marriages, when faced with such a loss, are not as fortunate.
I thought we were all mostly okay and then my four year old daughter came to me and had this conversation.
"Mom, we used to be so happy, huh?"
"Yes," I said. "We were happy."
"And then Dylan died and now we have all been so sad."
I nodded.
"Mom, when will we be happy again?"
Up until her brother's death, her world had been full of walks down the long, dirt road to the mailbox and watching for baby birds nesting in the trees near the cabin we lived in. The closest she had come to death was when one of mean momma cat's babies died. Nothing had come close to preparing her for this. Nothing prepared any of us.
That fall she could have entered pre-school, but the thought of sending her away, even just for a few hours was inconceivable to me. She was my reason for getting up and facing each day. When I wanted to hole up and stay home, she would cajole me to take her to the park so she could swing higher and higher. She pointed to birds and flowers and made me see beauty again. "Look at that!," she would say. And on the days when I could barely drag myself out of bed in the morning, she would be there. "I love you.," she would remind me. She kept me going.
We tried to reenact some sort of a life. Those months were a lot like trying to get around a large city without the benefit of a roadmap, or a guide. I was lost a lot of the time. I felt like a different person and my old life just didn't fit me anymore. I had to find new things to do. We moved away from Central Oregon and eventually made our way back home to Ashland.
Slowly, time passed and simple things began to ground me again. The taste of a perfectly ripe peach, seeing the ocean, the scent of baked apples and cinnamon. These tiny things added up and I found my way back. And I have learned that life is a gift and love transcends time.
*********************
I know it is a bittersweet day for some. Do something nice for yourself. If you need a kind ear you can always email me at sunriver@gmail.com anytime. Vanessa
1|1|Every year you post this, and every year my well up with tears reading it....my love and prayers for all of you who have lost a child.|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|15:03:42|05/09/2010|
" You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless it was mailed."
2|1|Hugs V you know I'm there with you Joe would have been 17 this past March driving ,Graduating HS we find ways to go on but we never forget hugs|teener|teenerzacsneenee@yahoo.com|15:07:35|05/09/2010|
>Posted on May-09-10 at 02:49 PM (Eastern)
>by 96.39.164.227It has become sort of
>a tradition for me to post
>this on Refundsweepers on Mother's Day!
> I just like to reach
>out to others who have also
>lost a child, especially anyone who
>is fairly new at grieving.
>Dylan would have been almost 12
>now which is so hard for
>me to imagine. I wrote
>the following piece seven years ago.
>
>The Power of Love By Vanessa Houk
>
>If someone were to ask me, "How
>can you possibly survive the loss
>of a child?", I'm sure I
>would just stare at them blankly
>and wouldn't be able to come
>up with an answer and yet
>August 29 will mark the five
>year anniversary of my son, Dylan's
>death. Somehow I am still here.
>When I think back to 1998
>and the years that have followed,
>I remember many times when I
>did not want to be. Over
>the years I have tried to
>describe what that pain feels like,
>but I have come to the
>conclusion that there are no words
>for it. That void is huge.
>
>Losing a child changes a family, changes
>a marriage. Love is powerful though,
>and ultimately that is what saved
>us.
>Grief is private. Even though you can
>have people supporting you, nobody else
>can feel your feelings and nobody
>else can face that darkness. In
>some ways I felt like I
>had also lost my closest friend--
>my husband who was simply unable
>to be my sounding board. He
>hurt for me and I hurt
>for him and collectively our pain
>was just too much to handle.
>So we learned to respect that
>and on the rare occasions when
>we talk about our respective grief,
>it is done cautiously. It is
>a great testament to our love
>and friendship that our marriage is
>still strong. Many marriages, when faced
>with such a loss, are not
>as fortunate.
>I thought we were all mostly okay
>and then my four year old
>daughter came to me and had
>this conversation.
>"Mom, we used to be so happy,
>huh?" "Yes," I said. "We were
>happy." "And then Dylan died and
>now we have all been so
>sad." I nodded. "Mom, when will
>we be happy again?"
>Up until her brother's death, her world
>had been full of walks down
>the long, dirt road to the
>mailbox and watching for baby birds
>nesting in the trees near the
>cabin we lived in. The closest
>she had come to death was
>when one of mean momma cat's
>babies died. Nothing had come close
>to preparing her for this. Nothing
>prepared any of us.
>That fall she could have entered pre-school,
>but the thought of sending her
>away, even just for a few
>hours was inconceivable to me. She
>was my reason for getting up
>and facing each day. When I
>wanted to hole up and stay
>home, she would cajole me to
>take her to the park so
>she could swing higher and higher.
>She pointed to birds and flowers
>and made me see beauty again.
>"Look at that!," she would say.
>And on the days when I
>could barely drag myself out of
>bed in the morning, she would
>be there. "I love you.," she
>would remind me. She kept me
>going.
>We tried to reenact some sort of
>a life. Those months were a
>lot like trying to get around
>a large city without the benefit
>of a roadmap, or a guide.
>I was lost a lot of
>the time. I felt like a
>different person and my old life
>just didn't fit me anymore. I
>had to find new things to
>do. We moved away from Central
>Oregon and eventually made our way
>back home to Ashland.
>Slowly, time passed and simple things began
>to ground me again. The taste
>of a perfectly ripe peach, seeing
>the ocean, the scent of baked
>apples and cinnamon. These tiny things
>added up and I found my
>way back. And I have learned
>that life is a gift and
>love transcends time. *********************
>I know it is a bittersweet day
>for some. Do something nice
>for yourself. If you need
>a kind ear you can always
>email me at sunriver@gmail.com anytime.
>Vanessa
3|2|I'M WITH YOU TOO.....JOEY WOULD HAVE BEEN 45......SO HARD|JOYHAPPYONE|DAIDOLA5@AOL.COM|15:58:30|05/09/2010|
---------------------------------------
"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen."
4|3|T's right... we never forget! Remembering Joe and Joey today and sending both of you a hug!|sunriver|lithiasalt@cheerful.com|18:06:46|05/09/2010|
. 5|4|SAME TO YOU, ITS HARD, NEVER GOES AWAY, JUST GETS EASIER TO LIVE WITH.....|JOYHAPPYONE|DAIDOLA5@AOL.COM|19:36:42|05/09/2010|
---------------------------------------
"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen."
6|1|I do know this too. Our Jaclyn would of been 32 in Sept|seahawk|Seahawks57@aol.com|20:07:40|05/09/2010|
It still bothers me when Sept. 15th comes around. That was her due date. I also lost 2 others but didn't know what they were. It still hurts very much.I hate when someone tells me you don't know what anyone goes through when a baby or child passes away.
Take care,
seahawk
12|2|Seahawk...|sunriver|lithiasalt@cheerful.com|06:03:05|05/11/2010|
Thinking of Jaclyn and of you!
Vanessa
sunriver@gmail.com
7|1|this is so hard for me to deal with|Poohbear817|dvazquez2@cox.net|21:05:24|05/09/2010|
I lost my baby 4 months ago when I was 3 months pregnant. I think aout it every day. I was thinking about it this morning when I was looking at pictures of my 3 beautiful children, 3 step children and wonderful grandson. I just can't get past it. I live for my kids and just am not coping with this at all
***A smile is contagious; be a carrier***A smile is contagious; be a carrier***
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If we have traded please leave feedback:
http://www.refundsweepers.com/dcforum/feedback/46.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Donna.
""
11|2|Donna... I am so sorry!|sunriver|lithiasalt@cheerful.com|06:01:08|05/11/2010|
Keep talking about it. I know it hurts but it is really the only way to get through.
If you need a shoulder you can email me anytime. sunriver@gmail.com
Vanessa
8|1|My thoughts are with all of you who have lost a child. I cannot even begin to fathom what you have been through.|Ranalt|ainebailey@gmail.com|21:19:09|05/09/2010|
Life is like a cup of tea,
It's all in how you make it.
Lisa
Check out my DD work:)
http://www.etsy.com/shop/LoveMankind
9|1|It just gets harder. Katelyn should be graduating June 11.|mama4toomany|mama4toomany@hotmail.com|23:07:46|05/10/2010|
Vanessa,
For us it has been 1 year, 4months, 22 days, since Katelyn's death. Just when I think its getting a little easier to deal with, I slide back down that steep slope of grief and despair and its harder and harder to crawl back up. I miss my daughter sooo much! Special days are even more difficult and it is so hard to focus on the kids that are still in your life when one is missing! Its so unfair to all of us!
Vickie
www.katelynwattsmemorialfund.com 10|2|(((Vickie)))|sunriver|lithiasalt@cheerful.com|05:59:01|05/11/2010|
I know.
Katelyn was a beautiful girl. I can imagine how much you miss her and what that empty space feels like. One thing that I just hated after Dylan died was when other people told me that it happened for a reason. I never could get my head around that. What reason? So I could spend years of my life wishing I was dead too? It took me a lot of years to make peace with losing him. It is a long, hard path to be on.
What you are doing in her memory though, that is exactly right and good. I read your descriptions of her and it seems that she would completely want to be able to still help someone else. She was interested in nursing? She had a heart for service to others and I am so glad you are doing that. I hope that it helps you some. Time and talking about her will help too. Do you have plans for her graduation day? It might help to have something planned for you and your family to do together that day. I know it is going to hurt-- better not to be alone.
Anytime you want to chat, please you can always email me okay? sunriver@gmail.com
Vanessa
13|3|((((to all of you that lost a child)))) I'm so sorry|shellysmsmo|jpksms@sbcglobal.net|11:44:47|05/11/2010|
I just cannot imagine. But I hope you know how sorry I am for each and everyone of you. AND I know that NO words could ever
make it any better. I just wanted to give all of you a big cyber hug and let you all know...that so many people care..I know I do.
I'm so sorry... : (