My family is toxic.
Ok a little background info so you know where I am coming from...
I moved to Oregon from So Cali when I left my ex over 9 years ago. I came here because a friend from high school lived here and I would have a way to start a new life on my own. My family all lived in No Cali and that was the last place I would have gone to for many reasons:
1: My mom is a major drama queen and makes things happen so she can be a victim.
2: My dad was in our home growing up, but not really in our lives. His friends always came first. He would have been very controlling of what I did if I stayed with him. (I.e. when I first was diagnosed with a form of a brain tumor I had to move back home. I was 22. I first night I was in the front yard talking with a friend who was staying over after helping me unpack and he came out at 10pm and said it was time for lights out?? My brothers are 5.5 years younger and never had a bed time… I never had one when I lived there before, but now when I move back due to illness I have one??? WTF??)
3: Brother #1 has MAJOR mental issues that were made even worse after going to Iraq. MAJOR!
4: Brother #2 is a drug addict and I can not trust him with anything. 1, he will steal ANYTHING… I sent my niece a build a bear GC for Christmas and I am sure he sold of traded it. He says they have not had a chance to use it, but it has been used. I know him to well not to see what went on. And he lies about everything… Even when the truth is better for him??
So that is my whole family.
At my first wedding my mom made a big scene about everything.. And all she kept doing was walking around saying, “I’m just the mother of the bride, I don’t know anything” OMG It got sooo annoying! Everyone else was ok, but she ruined the day with things she did.
So now that I have given you some back ground info, here is what is going on now…
I have not talked to my mom since October 2008, and brother #1 even longer. I honestly have no desire to talk to either ever again. I also do not miss them at all.. I do miss having a “mom” but she isn’t really a “mom” to me. She just gave birth to me…
If brother #2 was to come, I am sure he and his GF wouldn’t be able to afford to get a hotel since he has been laid off for a while. He would need to stay with us. Sorry to say, but I can NOT let him in my home. I simply do not trust him. And we have so many thing to pay for that we wouldn’t be able to afford a hotel room for them.
Dad… Well he can come. But I know he won’t because he hates traveling, so no worries here. I would actually like him to come do he can meet Jeromy… No one has met him yet.
Now my point of all this…
Invitations. I feel like I HAVE to invite everyone! Ohhh My Mom would LOVE for me not to invite here because the she will yet again have something to cause drama over…
So I feel like I need to invite everyone just so no one can start crap for me not inviting them.
Should I just send the invites a couple weeks before so they won’t have time to plan for it? Or send them out with everyone else and hope they decline?? I know brother #1 will not come for sure… No worries there. Just mom & #2.. #2 has my niece who I adore and would love to see, but I can’t trust him at all.
Jeromy has all sorts of family already planning on coming. Tickets are bought and there are now just waiting. He has a lot of extended family.
I have a small family, the 4 I mentioned above and 2 cousins that I keep in touch with via Facebook, One may come. I sure hope she does! I have not seen her in more then 20 years. I don’t know how I will feel on my wedding day if I have non one from my family there. I know I get sad on holidays and my birthday because I miss having a “family.”
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I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.
1|1|Warning, it is long.|RobinsCrazyWorld|robinmarie72@gmail.com|13:48:09|03/23/2010|
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(='.'=)
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I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.
2|1|Ok my 2 cents worth for you|ncbrunet|ncbrunet@aol.com|15:03:04|03/23/2010|
If your mom shows and causes a scene (or does her previous thing) will it ruin your day? If so, choose not to invite her. My current m-i-l did something similiar at our wedding and my dh and I chose to ignore her as did most of our friends so it didn't bother me. (She's like that, had tried it at the rehearsal the night before and the rehearsal dinner so all the family was prewarned to expect it).
If you invite #2, would he show up at your door expecting to be put-up? If he did, could/would you turn him away?
This is your day, make sure the people you invite are people you want around you that day to celebrate it with you.
As far as family, it sounds like you are getting one of those that day too, so now holidays may not be so bad.....
Marsha
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3|2|Inside|kandywolf|kandywolf@gmail.com|15:29:59|03/23/2010|
I think you should invite them all, I had a lot of people I didnt want to invite but did anyway, ya know what, it was my day so just ignore them... i did and everything worked out great. Please tell bro #2 you cant put them up, or would he just show up out of the blue? Cant blame ya on that one, put a note in his about hotel accommodations lol, hope this helps some, my MIL was the drama queen at our wedding, and now she is no longer in our lives, so it was only for the day. hth
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7|3|Mom.... & #2 (M)|RobinsCrazyWorld|robinmarie72@gmail.com|17:17:32|03/23/2010|
I don't think #2 would show up unexpected. And if my mom came I don't think I would be able to relax at all. I would constantly be worried that she was bad mouthing me. Mind you, she has no reason to bad mouth me. The reason we do not talk anymore is due to her actions. But she always has to make it out that she was victim, she will make things 1000% more then they really are.
And the woman is crazy!! She lived with her boyfriend for 3 years and they never had sex... He didn't want it. When she moved out a man moved in... His boyfriend! She swears he is not gay, and last I knew was convinced she was going to get him back... She went to a psychic who said that the guy who moved in was doing Cuban black magic on here for years to cause problems in her life... When I say years, I mean even back before she met this guy... Soooo the new guy was doing black magic on her for 10+ years so things wouldn't go well whit a guy she only knew 4 years??
Now the woman that she went to told her things she had to do to get him back....... SHE RUBBED HER BODY WITH RAW MEAT WHILE SHE CHANTED!! She is CRAZY! Before this she stalked my Dad after their divorce and would put eggs on his girlfriends car, drive by him house 25 times (NOT A JOKE) a day... She would call me and try to get me to call my Dad... She needs help. But if you tell her that she says you are attacking her. ANYTHING you do or say can be twisted in her favor... 5|2|If #2 showed up I am sure he would think he could stay here. I would let him stay only because I would feel like bad turning him away. And, if he did come, I would get to see my niece. I couldn't turn her away. |RobinsCrazyWorld|robinmarie72@gmail.com|17:04:57|03/23/2010|
I think it is a good thing that we only have 2 bedrooms. Someone else may already be staying here and then I could tell him we don't have the space. 4|1|Robin, it's your day.....do what you feel would be the best for you and Jeromy....if you think that inviting your family for that one day would help keep the peace in the long run, then maybe that is best....if you are too fearful of the conflicts you described, and those conflicts exist whether you invite them or not, then why put yourself through the stress? Just two sides of the coin to examine....|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|15:37:56|03/23/2010|
" You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless it was mailed."
6|2|I would have to agree with Joy....|Sharon|s_forshee@hotmail.com|17:12:36|03/23/2010|
Just reading your long post was very stressful indeed-good grief!! Robin, this is your special day with Jeromy which should be a happy, stressful-free day for you both. Sometimes it's not always a good idea to invite everyone since you know the drama that will unfold. Just follow your heart. Good luck! Sharon:) 9|3|Thank you, Sharon. Life would be so much easier if you could pick your own family. |RobinsCrazyWorld|robinmarie72@gmail.com|17:25:53|03/23/2010|
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I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.
12|4|Yes, very true-LOL!!....|Sharon|s_forshee@hotmail.com|17:43:06|03/23/2010|
I think most of us have family members we can do without! As for me, have not spoken to my Dad in over 12 years for something that I feel was unforgivable. I have moved on. 8|2|Joy, see my reply above about my Mom... (m)|RobinsCrazyWorld|robinmarie72@gmail.com|17:19:29|03/23/2010|
If you read that you may get an even clearer pic of who she is. I do not want her to come. But, I am worried I will feel bad for a long time if I don't I don't know which will be worse. 10|3|That's why I invited even the ones that I didnt want to, so this way here I didnt have any regrets, just wait until a month before to send their invites|kandywolf|kandywolf@gmail.com|17:33:10|03/23/2010|
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need to send your end first. Sorry but this is my new rule. TY~
~I am now giving 36 hours from the time I email someone about a trade. I am losing too
many trades waiting 3 or 4 days, and then they decide no, or dont let me know at all.
Sorry, but I can't wait longer than 36 hours, I believe that is more than fair~
~ Shipping from Zipcode 18201 ~
~~Thank you everyone for all the wonderful trades~~
~~ You are the BEST!! ~~
17|4|LoL Send it so it arrives the day of the wedding...|RobinsCrazyWorld|robinmarie72@gmail.com|18:11:00|03/23/2010|
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I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.
11|3|Robin.....I think you have made up your mind on not inviting your mom, you just need someone to tell you it's ok....So.....It's ok, Robin...from the sounds of it, she'll find something to blame you for or criticize you about even if you did invite her to the wedding....just cut out the middle ground, save yourself the stress......|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|17:38:24|03/23/2010|
" You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless it was mailed."
16|4|Thank you, Joy. This has really been eating at me since J first brought up getting married a few months ago. I just hate hurting someones feelings..|RobinsCrazyWorld|robinmarie72@gmail.com|18:07:15|03/23/2010|
But she hurt mine time and time again. 13|2|I'm w/Joy.....|maraj|maraj64@hotmail.com|17:48:56|03/23/2010|
She's always so good at being objective & fair. :)
But another option is that you could opt for a very small, private wedding, w/just you & your future dh & the people you've chosen to be in your wedding party (maid of honor, best man, etc.). Then, have a reception where everyone can attend. That way, you wouldn't have to deal w/the stress you described, at least for the special moments for you & Jeromy, & nobody is left out as they're invited to the reception afterwards. Just have the invitations made up to only ANNOUNCE the private ceremony w/the date, etc. but that everyone is invited just to the reception/dance. Kind of like when our kids graduate from high school or college - even tho we get & mail out the graduation announcements, we don't expect everyone to attend it cuz it's mainly meant for just the parents & maybe Godparents, but inside the commencment announcement, we usually include a separate card w/the graduation party info for everyone, kwim? ;)
Not sure if this is feasible but thought I'd mention it. ;)
We live in the Land of the Free only because of the Brave!
Please identify yourself in 1st email w/name/username. Due to recent problem trades, if I haven't traded w/you before, I will probably require you send your end 1st or I'll need LEGIT trade references/feedback. I will be happy to provide the same. IF you plan to hold your end til you've received mine, I will need to know that IMMEDIATELY, BEFORE trade is finalized.
14|3|Our wedding will be very small. No wedding party and just a few close friends and whatever family of Jeromys comes out. No flowers, no decorations, and we have a friend who is getting ordained (sp) so he can marry us. (M)|RobinsCrazyWorld|robinmarie72@gmail.com|18:03:41|03/23/2010|
This is all because my first wedding was such a nightmare I never wanted to have one again. And with it being so small and low key (Big party a few weeks later in Iowa), I thought that if I did not invite her we could make it seem last minute if I didn't invite her...
Oh, when brother #1 got married, no one told me until the day after. It was small tto, but I know it had some planning involved. My mom went on and on about how she was a bad mother because she forgot to tell me about it.... She even tried to make herself a victim then!!
19|4|Robin, I was the same way when Lance and I got married...we got married at the courthouse, easy peasy, lol.....my thoughts after a failed first marriage with the big wedding was, "A wedding does not a marriage make"|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|18:16:35|03/23/2010|
" You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless it was mailed."
23|5|Yep. Besides I would rather spend the money we could have spent on a big wedding on a new car or pay down my dental bills. I just dont see the point of doing the whole wedding thing again.|RobinsCrazyWorld|robinmarie72@gmail.com|18:27:53|03/23/2010|
I tried to get him to run off to Vegas, but this is his first marriage and he wanted a wedding because he thought it would be important to his family... This was our compromise. 15|1|What if I sent the people them a marriage announcement? |RobinsCrazyWorld|robinmarie72@gmail.com|18:05:23|03/23/2010|
One with a pic of us and the date and so forth? 18|2|Thats a good idea Robin|kandywolf|kandywolf@gmail.com|18:13:15|03/23/2010|
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TY!
~Please include RS username in emails. If you do not have a username, I WILL NOT trade
with you. Tired of lurkers taking advantage of people, if you really want to trade, you will
sign up at RS with a username!~
~If we have not traded before and you have no feedback or 5 or less feedback you will
need to send your end first. Sorry but this is my new rule. TY~
~I am now giving 36 hours from the time I email someone about a trade. I am losing too
many trades waiting 3 or 4 days, and then they decide no, or dont let me know at all.
Sorry, but I can't wait longer than 36 hours, I believe that is more than fair~
~ Shipping from Zipcode 18201 ~
~~Thank you everyone for all the wonderful trades~~
~~ You are the BEST!! ~~
20|2|I think that would be nice, and if they ask why they werent invited, just tell them it was very small....of course, you'll have to tell Jeromy's family to keep it on the down-low that they were invited! LOL|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|18:17:31|03/23/2010|
" You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless it was mailed."
21|3|LoL With them in Iowa, us in Oregon and my family in CA, that shouldn't be easy. |RobinsCrazyWorld|robinmarie72@gmail.com|18:21:32|03/23/2010|
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.
22|2|I think I will send announcments to all my family members, and invites to the people I actually want to attend.|RobinsCrazyWorld|robinmarie72@gmail.com|18:22:28|03/23/2010|
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.
24|3|That is how we handled it also. It worked out real well for us|mo6g02|crazylady47952@yahoo.com|18:44:03|03/23/2010|
Donna
http://www.freewebs.com/mo6g02/
25|4|I agree about the announcements|hudge4|hudge95@yahoo.com|20:07:35|03/23/2010|
That sounds like the perfect solution. They got something 'special' (the printed announcement w/picture). That's better than not inviting them and having to tell them later or have them find out.
From reading your post, I would agree that those family members should not be invited. They would definatly be the cause of some huge drama and take away from the beautiful day that should be your wedding.
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http://www.refundsweepers.com/dcforum/feedback/1021.html 26|1|Talked to Jeromy last night, Told him I wanted to just send announcments to my mom and brothers. Ha thought that was a good idea. He is pretty lucky, he doesn't have to deal with in-laws! lol|RobinsCrazyWorld|robinmarie72@gmail.com|11:26:02|03/24/2010|
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(='.'=)
(")_(")
I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.