Posted on Jan-10-10 at 06:49 PM (Eastern) by 64.12.116.68
I just don't know how to get it through to my son that his grades are important.....he's going to be 15 the end of this month and literally...for the past five years I've had to FIGHT him to do his work, pass in his homework, etc.....it's not that he's not smart, because when he applies himself he's very smart (a's and b's).....but he is EXTREMELY laid back and has a very carefree attitude.....he just doesn't feel any pressure to pass in work, do homework, etc...during junior high we had something called power school where each parent could log into a main computer system and see their child's grades at any time and if they were missing any work.......this was a huge help during junior high but I was constantly on Devon because he'd slack off and I'd have to get on him and he'd hussle to get all his work made up etc......I've literally tried EVERYTHING to motivate him ...bribing him, taking things away, rewarding him with other incentives, etc...but nothing seems to work....
I feel sad to say this,,,but at almost 15 I feel at some point.....I have to let him sink or swim...I love my son dearly, but I've given him clear expectations of what he needs to do (I do NOT expect straight A and B's)...if he's working to the best of his ability a C is fine....but seriously there is NO excuse for him to bring home D's and F's when I'm home every night offering him any kind of help he needs...I have bought hundreds of dollars of school supplies.....at some point he needs to understand that he is responsible for his work.....and as much as I hate stepping back on this.....I don't see any other way to get it through to him....
With this said.....I received his progress report card two days before Christmas and he had D's and F's in almost everything...but the teachers all had the same comments...very nice young man, always willing to help, but does not work to his potential and is missing assignments....this just drives me batty!!! Because I have a very strong work ethic and have worked my butt off and did not raise him to be lazy.....Anyhow....I did email his guidance counselor in the hopes that perhaps he could check in with her periodically to help keep him on track.....I think having someone else involved (that isn't his mom) he has to answer to, may be more effective than just me......I haven't heard back from her...but will be calling her tomorrow to follow up....
Sorry this is so long, I'm just at my wits end....it seems EVERYTHING school related is a terrible struggle and I'm just ready to tear my hair and his hair out.....I don't ask for much....and seriously, this Christmas I was SO upset about his grades that I told him all the video games I bought him for Christmas and all the money he received for Christmas would not be able to be used until he brought home his next report card with this grades raised significantly......I also called his dad in California who had sent him a $1400 plane ticket to come out and visit him during February vacation and he agreed with me and he told Devon if he doesn't bring his grades up by report card time, he can not come out to California....boy do I feel like the Grinch...but somehow I have to get it through to him that he is the only one with the power to bring his grades up...he needs to understand......(I should clarify that his dad is only on a brief Tour of Duty in CA and will be back home in April, so it's not like I'm keeping him from seeing his father or visitation)....
Has anyone else experienced this....please, please, PLEASE tell me you have and that it's just a phase (a very short phase)...I'm simply going out of my mind.........
Thank you for letting me get it out....I've needed to vent for a while now!
1|1|I have been there on some level and friends with the same issue|petunia1|sweetpea39@comcast.net|18:59:15|01/10/2010|
seems boys tend to not care as much. my son's grades were still good but still not up to his potential. he knew this and same thing, slacked off. looking back on things he wished he would have listened and done better in school.I do have to say, in the end it was his grades in college that mattered most. Deans list everytime !!! so what the heck..He said it just wasnt as important to him.
I tried everything too, helping with homework, making sure he did his homework (he wo9uld od it and then forget to turn it in), that drove me nuts. My kids had to do their homework right after school while I made dinner. that way I knew it was getting done.
It sounds like you have done just about everything and took things away, but in the end he is still doing the same thing. Did you ask him what was up ?? Maybe he is having trouble in school not just grade related.
I would stay on top of it and the teachers. keep calling the guidance counsler if she doesnt call back. frustrating but your child is important.
p.s. my son is a high school english honors teacher...ironic! 2|1|Kelly|Lorey12|Lorey12@yahoo.com|19:10:49|01/10/2010|
you may check who is his friends who may be inflecture bad advise or something wrong with him in wrong group or wrong friend?
that what we had deal with my older son when he was in hight school and grade down. we check who is his friend and cut off. or no computer or ds or amy game. we had to move his computer from his bedroom to den so we can watched him doing his homework.
:-D 3|1|One of my boys is somewhat like this, Kelly...he gets decent grades, but I know he could do better since he has missing assignments at times too...|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|19:33:53|01/10/2010|
And I have been through all you have from Grade 1 and on...it is frustrating to say the least. I just keep at him, checking his class grades twice a week to see if he has missing assignments and what scores he is getting on homework, tests, projects, etc....if I see things missing, I tell him to get them done. If I see a low score, I ask him what happened. And the one thing that irks me NO end, is he hardly ever brings homework home to do. I know he has a study hall, but I dont see him study for tests, and I suspect he's rushing through homework in study hall to just get it all done in an hour.
They do have to reap the consequences of their actions (or lack of actions in this case), but that doesnt mean we have to sit back and watch them do it...kwim? At least someday, he can't say to me "You never pushed me to do better in school"!
" You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless it was mailed."
4|1|Ugh! Went thru this w/my son just a few yrs. ago......|maraj|maraj64@hotmail.com|19:42:39|01/10/2010|
I say "ugh!" cuz it is still very fresh in my memory how much I had to ride his butt &/or take things away, all to no avail.
I believe my son was about 15 at the time & what finally worked was, believe it or not, I sent him an email. In that email I explained to him WHY getting his grades up was important, WHY getting a good education is important, & WHY I was riding his butt all the time.
I didn't graduate h.s. (got my GED just 5 yrs. ago) so I was speaking from 1st hand experience of what happens when you dink around & don't graduate.
I explained to him that if he didn't get his grades up so he'd graduate, all his classmates & friends would be enjoying the graduation ceremony, congratulating each other, tossing their caps up in the air in celebration, having graduation parties, & then moving on w/their lives going to college or getting good jobs, all W/OUT him. He wouldn't even be able to go to a Tech College w/out a diploma or GED 1st, & then, he'd have the shame & embarrassment of having to admit he'd screwed up in h.s. & didn't graduate. He'd be missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity & would regret it cuz it cuz you can NEVER go back to have that special moment w/friends & classmates again. HE would be left behind, stuck in this small town where jobs are hard to come by & good jobs even moreso. I told him that w/out that diploma, he likely wouldn't even be invited to the class reunions where his friends/classmates would all congregate to renew old friendships & to share stories of college life, their jobs, etc. & that they'd eventually be talking about wonderful vacations or trips they'd taken, have newer cars, nice clothes, nice houses & maybe even a boat. He'd have nothing to share w/them except that he was still stuck in this little hick town, struggling to make ends meet at a low-paying factory job w/no room for advancement. All he'd have to show for it was the heavy burden of regret. Then I told him that I rode his butt cuz I CARE, I wanted him to have more out of life because even if he eventually got a GED or HSED, it doesn't open quite as many opportunities as the original h.s. diploma. And even after graduation, employers can still check a student's attendence record & grades. If the potential employer sees bad grades & a poor attendence record, they see a student who had a bad attitude & didn't care, & then they also see a prospective employee likely w/the same attitude & who doesn't care, possibly missing alot of work & doing only a half-assed job. Who wants to hire someone like that?
I sat here that one day while he was in school & typed that email up & then sent it to him. Since he was on the computer alot, I figured he'd rather read an email than a typed or handwritten letter. Plus, it gave ME time to think & choose my words carefully. I know for a fact he got that email, read it & actually even saved it! But he never said one word to me about it. I never brought it up either cuz I wanted to let it all sink into his mind, let him mull it over & go from there. I will admit that things didn't change overnight so it took awhile. But by the 2nd half of his Junior yr., he finally started turning things around & all thru his Senior yr., he pretty much aced it by getting ALL A's & B's & even getting on the Honor Roll twice!! I couldn't believe it but I was SOOO proud of him. Then, he even started riding his gf's butt to work harder to get better grades. And I couldn't help but chuckle a little bit to myself when I asked him why he would hound her about her grades, he said it was cuz he CARED! ;) And believe it or not, sometime after graduation he openly admitted to me that he'd had a bad attitude & hadn't cared much about school his Freshman & Sophmore yrs.....
It isn't easy but hang in there mom! :)
We live in the Land of the Free only because of the Brave!
Please identify yourself in 1st email w/name/username. Due to recent problem trades, if I haven't traded w/you before, I will probably require you send your end 1st or I'll need LEGIT trade references/feedback. I will be happy to provide the same. IF you plan to hold your end til you've received mine, I will need to know that IMMEDIATELY, BEFORE trade is finalized.
7|2|Tami, congrats on getting your GED|petunia1|sweetpea39@comcast.net|20:31:59|01/10/2010|
I am so very proud of you. :). 8|3|Thank you Debi! :)|maraj|maraj64@hotmail.com|21:00:45|01/10/2010|
I carried around the blasted burden of not graduating h.s. for 24 yrs. Didn't realize just how heavy it really was til my legs literally gave out after it was gone cuz I felt SO light. LOL
We live in the Land of the Free only because of the Brave!
Please identify yourself in 1st email w/name/username. Due to recent problem trades, if I haven't traded w/you before, I will probably require you send your end 1st or I'll need LEGIT trade references/feedback. I will be happy to provide the same. IF you plan to hold your end til you've received mine, I will need to know that IMMEDIATELY, BEFORE trade is finalized.
11|4|you are welcome..never to late to educate ourselves|petunia1|sweetpea39@comcast.net|21:26:55|01/10/2010|
instead of excuses you did something about it. So very proud of you :D
and it does open the doors to better things
5|1|well i see from reading all the problems you have with your boys i see what i will probably be up against with Kendall and oh what fun that is going to be |lydzkydz|wyldkydz@embarqmail.com|20:07:42|01/10/2010|
he is already slack at times and bad grades
but he has made honor roll both 6 weeks this year
so we will see what he does 3rd 6 weeks
i am making note of the ideas you ladies typed so i can check back on them when my time comes
please include your user name on refundsweepers.
i appreciate all the trades made in the past.
THANKS!! 6|2|put limits on|angNC|memawang@embarqmail.com|20:25:20|01/10/2010|
friends,
spare time,
computer,etc.
Find out what he likes to do..then take it back some.
Only advice, I can't talk but for me 7 yrs my child has been
on fifth grade work. Turned out we had her tested and the
Dr. said "she's MR" and "this is as good as it gets"
Hope things get better.
9|1|I can feel your pain, I've been going through this with my son Matthew since 6th/7th grade, he is now 17 and still gives me crap. In 2008 I got fed up and sent him to his bio dad's, well this summer when he came to visit, he begged me to let him move back and that he would be good yadda yadda yadda, well seems we are in the same boat again, he doesn't like school at all and even told me the other day, that I'm afraid to really punish him cause I'm afraid he will quit school, I had to laugh, I told him enough crap is enough and that if he wants to quit school well then he isn't hurting me, he's hurting himself and told him by the way if he does drop out, then he will have to move back with his dad or find a job and pay some bills around here. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'm at the point that Ive had all I can take, he can be a good kid when he wants to be, but that is if it's on his terms. I also told him if things don't change fast around here, I'm sending his butt back to daddy's. I feel that we've done all we can, we can carry his butt through school, he has to do it himself, we can help and give advice, but bottom line it's about him being responsible and doing the right thing. This first semester, he's had it easy, he only had 3 classes and he can't seem to keep up, he is lazy and just doesn't wanna be told what to do. He got kicked out of PE before the Christmas break, he didn't tell us, we had to find out two weeks later when Will ran into his gym teacher at school. Oh well sorry for rambling, but there's a time in their lives you have to let them sink or swim~*~I never had a problem with my oldest boy, he even had two brain surgeries and had to learn how to read and do his phonics all over again at age 12 1/2, it was tough but he did it and even graduated on time. Good luck Kelly, these years are hard (((HUGS)))~*~|RebekkaVA|queen_vulture@msn.com|21:13:52|01/10/2010|
~*~REBEKKA~*~
a.k.a. "Queen Vulture"
Married to my Soul Mate William
"My husband has cancer, Please pray for him"
Mommy to:
Timothy 5/80
Matthew 10/92
Cheyenne 9/99
*EMAIL*: queen_vulture@msn.com
Feedback link: http://www.refundsweepers.com/dcforum/feedback/796.html
10|2|On the quitting school thing......|maraj|maraj64@hotmail.com|21:23:32|01/10/2010|
He may want to pipe down a bit cuz he's not 18 yet so would likely need yours or your ex's signature to do so. ;) You may also want to check w/the DPI in your state cuz here, kids don't get to drop out of school anymore, not even w/a parents' signature. Used to be kids could drop out at 16-17 w/their parents' permission/signature but not anymore! New DPI law says they WILL finish their education one way or another, if not in the school they've been attending w/their friends, then it must be a Vocational school, or they go to a reform school - kids choose if they want to do it the hard way or the easy way. LOL
We live in the Land of the Free only because of the Brave!
Please identify yourself in 1st email w/name/username. Due to recent problem trades, if I haven't traded w/you before, I will probably require you send your end 1st or I'll need LEGIT trade references/feedback. I will be happy to provide the same. IF you plan to hold your end til you've received mine, I will need to know that IMMEDIATELY, BEFORE trade is finalized.
12|3|Oh it's okay if he wants to go to reform school...LOL...I love my son but I don't feel I have to be subjected to his verbal abuse and B.S. They told him he could go to class for GED and get out before 18 but I am hoping he'd want to finish school. He turns 18 in Oct. 2010 and he will be a senior, so I think that is when he's planning to quit~*~|RebekkaVA|queen_vulture@msn.com|21:36:13|01/10/2010|
~*~REBEKKA~*~
a.k.a. "Queen Vulture"
Married to my Soul Mate William
"My husband has cancer, Please pray for him"
Mommy to:
Timothy 5/80
Matthew 10/92
Cheyenne 9/99
*EMAIL*: queen_vulture@msn.com
Feedback link: http://www.refundsweepers.com/dcforum/feedback/796.html
13|4|Kelley..what about holding back his drivers permit?|shellysmsmo|jpksms@sbcglobal.net|21:42:35|01/10/2010|
perhaps this will sink in soon? that's a pretty big step and I know it's in the future..but perhaps let him know
that his permit will be on hold? I'm sorry you are going thru all of this..I know it's stressful.
15|5|Oh Shelly....I've already talked to him about that...in my state they don't offer drivers education in school|kellysp6637|frugalk76@aol.com|21:50:00|01/10/2010|
like they did when I was in high school and our local school costs $700.....I've already explained to Devon that if he is seriously unable or unwilling to understand the connection between homework, school and how they can affect your education and reflect on you as a person....then he certainly will NOT be allowed to get behind the wheel of a car......
Also, at his school, part of the reason he wanted to go into automotive so bad, is in your senior year, your project is a car you can rebuild.....he knows I have set aside $5000 specifically for a car for him....this would be a GREAT start for his car.....and I've made it VERY clear that 1. if he gets kicked out of school for bad grades, then no senior car project. 2. If he fails...I will NOT be shelling out $700 for drivers education courses and hence NO drives license....so hopefully he will see the light....
Also, I've talked to the Major of Civil Air Patrol and he has agreed to withold rank until Devon brings up his grades (and this is something that Devon absolutely LOVES).....also he wants to go away to boot camp this summer to get rank to become an officer in the Civil Air Patrol...so he knows this won't happen if his grades are atleast decent.....PLUS ontop of that....he wants to take flying lessons next year through the Civil Air Patrol....but at $1600 a course you can BET that I won't be signing him up if his grades don't improve....sooooooooo he really does have alot riding on him doing the very best that he can (and again, I don't expect him to drive himself to a mental breakdown trying to get straight A's....I just want to see him putting forth his best effort....) 17|4|I sure hear ya!|maraj|maraj64@hotmail.com|22:00:09|01/10/2010|
My son turned 18 just 1 month before graduation so he knows what a foolish move it would've been to drop out w/only a month left.
He moved out 3 days before Thanksgiving & altho I've cried w/worry & hurt just about every day since (it is getting a little better), I do NOT miss all the b.s. & verbal abuse he dished out. It was EVERY day for the past 3-4 yrs. & I know I should've tossed him out on his smart a$$ long before, but I'd put up w/it out of love & wanting him to continue to live here at home so I would KNOW he was safe & warm & not hungry. I knew I had to let go. But, it's actually been much more peaceful & less stressful since he moved out. There's noone mouthing off to me, screaming, criticizing, badgering or complaining anymore, & the poor dog isn't running to hide behind the couch cuz of someone screaming at me.
He needs to spread his wings & grow just as much as I need the peace & quiet & to let him grow.
Let's just hope our boys eventually figure it out, grow up & realize that all we've done for them, we've done it out of love. :)
We live in the Land of the Free only because of the Brave!
Please identify yourself in 1st email w/name/username. Due to recent problem trades, if I haven't traded w/you before, I will probably require you send your end 1st or I'll need LEGIT trade references/feedback. I will be happy to provide the same. IF you plan to hold your end til you've received mine, I will need to know that IMMEDIATELY, BEFORE trade is finalized.
14|1|Thank you so much ladies....I've really been feeling like I'm doing something wrong....|kellysp6637|frugalk76@aol.com|21:42:51|01/10/2010|
like all moms, I just want him to be the best he can be.....plus the school he is at is very competitive to get into and he loves his automotive shop...so if he fails out, he can be kicked out and have to go to the regular public highschool since this school has such a long long waiting list.....I've told him this and I think some of it is registering,,,,but just not sure how much...
Unfortunately.....his mind is on two things (girls and boobs...and yes...he admitted that to me.....yikes)...we have a very open relationship so he is never shy about letting me know what he's thinking about and he has admitted that sometimes he is preoccupied......so hopefully after this last episode and with intervention from his guidance counselor...we may be able to keep him on track....I told him it's normal to think about girls....but he has to be able to do his work and listen for homework assignments etc.......
Thank you ladies...it's so helpful knowing I'm not alone....
and Tami....congratulations on getting your GED....my brother got his GED about fifteen years ago and then went into the military....he has a fabulous job now......Congratulations on going back to school!!!!! 16|2|Don't let him play off his history of slacking as a "I am distracted by girls" thing though.....this is a longtime thing for him, but it's never to late to change and grow up a little, take responsibility for his own education and future :)|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|21:56:34|01/10/2010|
" You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless it was mailed."
18|3|I completely agree with you.....it's just so mind boggling why this is such a struggle|kellysp6637|frugalk76@aol.com|22:02:46|01/10/2010|
Posted on Jan-10-10 at 10:02 PM (Eastern) by 64.12.116.68
and a part of me really does feel responsible because honestly....looking back...I was a total Hover-Mom.....Devon was my first child...had him when I was 17......he was VERY sickly as a child and I almost lost him once when he was two due to asthma complications (he hadn't even been diagnosed with asthma yet)....I also overcompensated because I felt bad that I divorced his dad so I really did pretty much everything for him....not to mention he was my parents ONLY grandchild so they spoiled him rotten....he's never really had to work too hard for anything because I've always made sure it was handed right to him on a silver plate.....I'm not making excuses for him,,,,but I can see where some of his behavior may have been established....
20|4|I had my oldest on young too and he was also very sickly when he was born and all through childhood he had many health problems, even had two brain surgeries, he was the only grandchild and very spoiled too but I never had a problem with him, but my son Matthew is totally different, I know you can't compare children, but I always use to blame myself when he would mess up or I'd always question myself and ask where did I go wrong, but I realized I'm not to blame, he's old enough to be responsible for his own actions, we can't take the slack for him, he's not a baby anymore, but somedays it feels like he is LOL...None of my kids are perfect, but he's the one that always tests me and does thing, I told him I will always be here for him and I do love him, but I can't do his work for him, he has to step up to the plate~*~|RebekkaVA|queen_vulture@msn.com|22:13:43|01/10/2010|
~*~REBEKKA~*~
a.k.a. "Queen Vulture"
Married to my Soul Mate William
"My husband has cancer, Please pray for him"
Mommy to:
Timothy 5/80
Matthew 10/92
Cheyenne 9/99
*EMAIL*: queen_vulture@msn.com
Feedback link: http://www.refundsweepers.com/dcforum/feedback/796.html
19|3|wow it sounds like he has alot of things to work and strive for hopefully he will settle in and get to work for you and work towards his goals|lydzkydz|wyldkydz@embarqmail.com|22:05:06|01/10/2010|
write all those goals down on paper for him to post somewhere as a reminder
i got to do this to accomplish this or that
hope all goes well
Lydia
please include your user name on refundsweepers.
i appreciate all the trades made in the past.
THANKS!! 21|1|Gosh Kelly....are our sons related or something??|mommyto3|bunkhouse5@aol.com|00:38:12|01/11/2010|
My son started this crap in the 9th grade...he is now in 11th. I noticed his grades start to slip from a-b's (5th grade) to C's (6th-8th grade) to failing classes in the 9th grade. He has had to go to summer school each summer since 9th grade to make up his credits. He to is not dumb by any means but VERY immature. He either does the work but doesn't turn it in or doesn't do the work because he doesn't feel like it. I guess on one note it is usually failing only 1 or 2 classes not all of them but it seems like he finds 1 or 2 to fail each year. He's halfway through his junior year and I'm sick thinking each day that he isn't going to graduate next year. He hasn't taken the SAT's or ACT's because there is no way any college is going to accept him with his GPA (last quarter it was a 1.9). He thinks D's are okay because it is PASSING.
I totally feel your pain. He isn't driving yet because he has no desire to drive (he says he dosen't think he is responsible enough to drive) and no girlfriend (too much responsibility he can handle and he says he doesn't want to be a father this young). I guess in some ways he is "thinking" maturely but not about school.
He is popular in school and all the teachers think he a very polite young man (usually all 1 or 2's in citizenship). Talking to the counselor has helped a bit. My son is not the only one like this. She has seen many boys like my son start to turn things around the middle of junior year and buckle down their senior year. So there is some hope for us.
I do have to say however that grounding them does absolutely no good and besides being grounded doesn't make them try any harder. They figure they've been grounded this long, it isn't going to make a difference if they are grounded longer not to mention taking more things away.
He knows how I feel about this and he understands that he may not graduate and that is something that he will have to live with. I've helped him as much as I could and have offered ANY help with his homework/projects but he declines. I physically can't make him but I try to remind him how I feel each day. He has started to see his math teacher for help so I suppose this is a start.
I will pray with you on this and hope our boys turn themselves around.
Luckily my other boy (he's 13) doesn't have this problem. He is an A student and I don't have to bother him too much. Every now and then I may have to remind him or ask but he is usually pretty good. My daughter (she's 10) is also an A student with no problems.
Maybe they will wake up one day and understand the importance of getting an education and taking responsiblity for themselves. Hopefully our boys will understand this...quickly.