Ok, I am not sure what to do with my hubby's family... they have created an uncomfortable situation for me for gift giving this year. Would appreciate any suggestions:
We never do group gifts for hubby's side of the family, meaning we have been together for over 9 years and have never been approached by his siblings to go "in" on a gift. Last night his brother called {talk to him a few times per year and normally only see him at our niece and nephews' bday parties (not our sons) and at Christmas}. He told us that he had purchased a gift for my father-in-law and that my sister-in-law was paying 1/3. He told us that our 1/3 would be $xx.xx. Well, we don't spend that much per parent at the holidays because 1) hubby's wages were cut 2) we have three sets of gparents because my parents were divorced since I was 18 months old and are both remarried to my step parents since I was 3 (meaning, his brother said we should skip my step parents if we are low on money and it is not going to happen).
So hubby told him that was beyond our budget and that he should have checked to see if we were interested in a group gift before buying it and then we could have agreed on an amount we were all comfortable to pay. His brother is saying we need to come up with the money.
So do we just do our own thing? Contribute the amount we would normally spend on the FIL's gift? Paying the $xx.xx is NOT an option because we don't have it to spend and also that is not fair to MIL to get a small gift in comparison; nor to short the other two sets of gparents.
Any ideas? I think they should have asked us before making the purchase; we would have told them we can only contribute $xx.xx towards that gift OR we can go in 1/3 of a less expensive item.
Thanks,
Shel
PS we are NOT even going to be at the actual gift opening because it will take place at the sister's home on Christmas Day and we were not invited. I guess the brother was invited. 1|1|Wow, add insult to injury....you werent invited to the family Cmas at the SIL's and the BIL buys a gift without consulting you and your DH??? I think your DH needs to decide what to do, but the most I would do is contribute the normal amount you would have spent (if it were me).....that takes some big ones to buy an expensive gift and demand payment like that. |saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|08:51:55|12/09/2009|
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
--Thomas Jefferson--
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.
~Abraham Lincoln
2|2|Joy, we are feeling a bit "hurt" but they are not the nicest people|couponshelmd|couponshel@comcast.net|08:59:16|12/09/2009|
Every year we invite that part of the family to a "family only" birthday party for our sons... since they are twins, that is ONE party per year. His brother (single, no kids) has never attended in their three years. His sister (with a son and a daughter) only attended at their one year and gave them a board game to share... that stated ages 3+ (which I still have and they are just now starting to use) that my hubby said he knows that was a re-gift lol. We are invited to the sister's home for every birthday party for her two kids and rarely miss one; give a new, age appropriate gift; and travel the same distance to her home as she would travel to ours but she says we live too far away. We are also invited there on Father's Day and asked to bring cake and ice cream. Never on Mother's Day or other holidays.
It is not about the gifts to me, in fact, I would rather that my kids get to see their cousins w/no gifts than that they don't bother to attend. They have never welcomed me into the family and I am okay with that, but they need to realize they are pushing their own brother away.
Sigh 3|3|Shel, I think your DH needs to have a big talk with his siblings....once and for all, otherwise this will just continue to be a problem forever.....and someday your kids are going to be old enough to know and see exactly how things are. The BIL and SIL sound like self-centered users....they want for themselves and their kids, but can't show the same familial kindness to your children. I don't know what else to say, but the more you tell me, the more I want to suggest you and your DH don't contribute to that gift at all. :(|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|09:13:51|12/09/2009|
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
--Thomas Jefferson--
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.
~Abraham Lincoln
5|4|This is just a "new issue" lol... they need to keep it fresh :)|couponshelmd|couponshel@comcast.net|09:53:31|12/09/2009|
I have a problem with this entire matter on so many levels. Thinking you can just count on someone else, and then 1/3 of the price, without asking. Knowing we won't be there when it is open. Then when we do get together with my inlaws, it is only my MIL who will have a gift to open and she will know that her gift is NOT equal to 1/3 of the group gift, you know?
Plus, and this is just sour grapes, I had already bought part of my inlaws gift... we always give them a gift card to a restaurant like Red Lobster/Olive Garden and then a basket of goodies. Well I bought some of the goodies already, like these K cups for their wonderful new coffeemaker (that my FIL said he would save before my MIL if the house were on fire), some Tastefully Simple food items that they like, etc. So really cannot go over our budget for that group gift as we will not get them a gift card this year but need to buy an individual gift for his mom. Lord knows what I should buy that woman, it won't be good enough, lol, that was why a restaurant gift card was so much safer
Thanks so much!
AND now you know why I am praying so hard that I don't have to move back to their area if hubby cannot find a new job closer to home. It is looking like we will have to sell our house and move there again, I am already having nightmares about this whole housing situation. 4|1|Wow, glad this doesn't just happen in my family. :)|cjkallgren|cjkallgren@msn.com|09:43:38|12/09/2009|
Seems a bit cheeky to just buy something and call you with the bill. I think you should dig up a coupon instead and pay that way.
Aren't we all getting a little old for gift exchanges? We should focus on our own kiddies...and let the child within our extended family go out and buy their own gifts!
>Posted on Dec-09-09 at 08:48 AM (Eastern)
>by 174.54.76.51Ok, I am not sure
>what to do with my hubby's
>family... they have created an uncomfortable
>situation for me for gift giving
>this year. Would appreciate any
>suggestions:
>We never do group gifts for hubby's
>side of the family, meaning we
>have been together for over 9
>years and have never been approached
>by his siblings to go "in"
>on a gift. Last night
>his brother called {talk to him
>a few times per year and
>normally only see him at our
>niece and nephews' bday parties (not
>our sons) and at Christmas}.
>He told us that he had
>purchased a gift for my father-in-law
>and that my sister-in-law was paying
>1/3. He told us that
>our 1/3 would be $xx.xx.
>Well, we don't spend that much
>per parent at the holidays because
>1) hubby's wages were cut 2)
>we have three sets of gparents
>because my parents were divorced since
>I was 18 months old and
>are both remarried to my step
>parents since I was 3 (meaning,
>his brother said we should skip
>my step parents if we are
>low on money and it is
>not going to happen).
>So hubby told him that was beyond
>our budget and that he should
>have checked to see if we
>were interested in a group gift
>before buying it and then we
>could have agreed on an amount
>we were all comfortable to pay.
> His brother is saying we
>need to come up with the
>money.
>So do we just do our own
>thing? Contribute the amount we
>would normally spend on the FIL's
>gift? Paying the $xx.xx is
>NOT an option because we don't
>have it to spend and also
>that is not fair to MIL
>to get a small gift in
>comparison; nor to short the other
>two sets of gparents.
>Any ideas? I think they should
>have asked us before making the
>purchase; we would have told them
>we can only contribute $xx.xx towards
>that gift OR we can go
>in 1/3 of a less expensive
>item.
>Thanks, Shel
>PS we are NOT even going to
>be at the actual gift opening
>because it will take place at
>the sister's home on Christmas Day
>and we were not invited. I
> guess the brother was invited.
>
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8|2|Shel maybe this osn't something you want to do and I have been at the inlaw thing longer than you lol|teener|teenerzacsneenee@yahoo.com|10:12:12|12/09/2009|
but when certain things go on in"your family" ( you,your dh and boys) like what you are going through that above all takes first place no matter what your bik tells you you have to do what is better for "your family" So Tell the bil thanks but we are going to do what we had planned for Dad and Mom and then let him deal with the sil on splitting 1/2 and 1/2 I would never ever go in on a gift with anyone who wouldn't think of my family enought to include them in a family get together period It may sting a bit but in the end you and yours will be fine what are they going to do to you? not invite you ? lol 9|3|I agree....if you have something started already, then go with that.....tell BIL that he should have said something sooner and ASKED first....too bad, so sad Charlie.|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|10:21:57|12/09/2009|
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
--Thomas Jefferson--
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.
~Abraham Lincoln
6|1|Girl ... please. Do not give them any $ just get them whatever you normally would and dont' worry about them none... not invited shaw... how rude... you sure we aren't related... |Kristy|mi3zons1@yahoo.com|10:00:47|12/09/2009|
I swear sometimes I think Matt's family and your dh's are related.
"Women should not have children after 35. Thirty-five children are enough." - anonymous (Only 28 to GO!) 7|2|But if you move closer to them you are closer to me!!!!!!|Kristy|mi3zons1@yahoo.com|10:08:04|12/09/2009|
"Women should not have children after 35. Thirty-five children are enough." - anonymous (Only 28 to GO!) 10|3|Haha, good point, it's not like they invite now ...|couponshelmd|couponshel@comcast.net|10:33:41|12/09/2009|
there would not be too many negative consequences if they get mad at us :) one time hubby said the F word in front of his mom (and I add here, that is the only time I have ever heard him say that word, ever)... she got so mad at him that she did not talk to him for over a month... that was when we lived 2 miles away from them... and that was the best month of our marriage!
Kristy, they are from Lake Avenue in Baltimore originally, perhaps the family tree is twined? LMBO. It would be awesome to live closer to you! just hoping things work out soon.
We do have too much going on right now, someone hit our home two weeks ago with a truck and we have damage to our foundation; the insurance companies are still trying to figure it out with estimates etc. We have to wait until the wall is repaired to put the house on the market... I have shed many a tear the past two weeks about all of this drama. So the inlaws are nothing on top of that mess :) 12|4|My dad was born & raised on a st off of Lake Avenue|Kristy|mi3zons1@yahoo.com|10:35:16|12/09/2009|
"Women should not have children after 35. Thirty-five children are enough." - anonymous (Only 28 to GO!) 11|3|Shel one thing I found over the years is 800 miles is a good thing lol lol I say when you sell move here I'll be those boys neenee and won't|teener|teenerzacsneenee@yahoo.com|10:34:09|12/09/2009|
get into your family matters just bake me some goodies on the holidays and we're cool lol lol 13|4|Shel you should tell your dh to say F F F F F F F F see how many months that buys you ROFL|Kristy|mi3zons1@yahoo.com|10:39:42|12/09/2009|
"Women should not have children after 35. Thirty-five children are enough." - anonymous (Only 28 to GO!) 14|5|Teener, that sounds GREAT!!!|couponshelmd|couponshel@comcast.net|10:48:40|12/09/2009|
I am very thankful that I have my parents here who do mind their own business ha ha, but we sure do want to move South someday... and I could come over to your house to get your packages inside too :) while baking ya some cookies! 15|6|I would politely tell the BIL that you really appreciate their thoughtfulness about including your family in with with the gift but unfortunately|petunia1|sweetpea39@comcast.net|11:07:37|12/09/2009|
you already purchased their gift for this year. Include that it is so unfortunate that he did not call you sooner and discuss the gift as you may have enjoyed going together, in the future please call first to let us know. you are being diplimatic and still not giving in to him...LOL..
families...UGH!!
i have a sister who will do this, she is a sweet thing but compains constantly. one year for my mom's Bday she said she was buying a dishwasher for Mombecause she owed her a few gifts. so day of the Birthday all she did was complain about how much the thing cost and everyone should go in on it, etc...we all had gifts already purchased but still ended up giving towards the dishwasher (hubby said to shut her up...LOL...) but my one brother just couldnt afford to add in more $$ so we ended up paying for him. Ticked me off, told her to stop (as my poor Mom can hear what she is saying). and then....(you will love this!!) she always says..well we got Mom a dishwasher...LOL....I nicely remind her we all put $$ in towards it
you know in your heart what you can afford and I would just stick to your plan and call it a day. you are not going to be there anyway so that saves you from feeling uncomfortable.
17|5|ROFL!!! Shel and Dh could take turns saying it, when one runs out of the breath, the other can take over, lololololol|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|11:25:53|12/09/2009|
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
--Thomas Jefferson--
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.
~Abraham Lincoln
19|6|Oh my....ROFL|petunia1|sweetpea39@comcast.net|11:41:31|12/09/2009|
that would be funny. Shel , can you video it for your friends on here ?? LOL 26|5|Kristy, after reading that was my same thought.|bluh2oeyes|bluh2oeyes@yahoo.com|14:53:24|12/10/2009|
See how long the F word buys you this year.
I wouldn't bother with em. If they didn't ask before they bought tough luck.
Jennifer in North Carolina...the Tar Heel State
16|4|Ohh, yes, and then I get to be their auntie when I come to visit T! I have experience with twin boys, you know! :D|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|11:24:32|12/09/2009|
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
--Thomas Jefferson--
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.
~Abraham Lincoln
18|5|Gosh,then I could meet you too :) and get some twin advice!!|couponshelmd|couponshel@comcast.net|11:34:31|12/09/2009|
That sounds like a huge good deal on my part :)
So teener, any auto tech jobs in your town? lol 20|6|Shel I don;t know but I can look lol|teener|teenerzacsneenee@yahoo.com|11:59:15|12/09/2009|
>Posted on Dec-09-09 at 11:34 AM (Eastern)
>by 174.54.76.51That sounds like a huge
>good deal on my part :)
>
>So teener, any auto tech jobs in
>your town? lol
21|7|Shel here is a site that my DH always looks at|teener|teenerzacsneenee@yahoo.com|12:08:27|12/09/2009|
CareerBuilder.com check it out 22|1|Shel~I am so sorry you're going through all this, sometimes family can be so overwhelming, I would just go with your original plans (((HUGS))))~*~|RebekkaVA|queen_vulture@msn.com|12:29:38|12/09/2009|
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23|1|my 2 cents |lydzkydz|lydzmcss@yahoo.com|12:32:58|12/09/2009|
well first of all the brother should have called to see if you all could go in on the gift
and since he didn't i WOULD NOT give in to him
you give what you have gotten for each person just as you would normal and go on about you business
and if that makes him mad then he will just have to live with his madness
that would really upset me
my sis in laws/bro in laws always get my inlaws more expensive items but we do what we can do and just go with it
sooooooooooooooooooo the next time the brother brings up the matter of the money
tell him no and that is the end of the matter cuz he should have asked
good luck with that one
and try to have a Merry Christmas
Lydia
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THANKS!! 24|1|I would just say that we have our own gift for him and next time if he would like to do a group gift, maybe everyone in the group could work something|CJDJ112366|Lintaos@optonline.net|13:19:53|12/10/2009|
out but this year has already been takim care of but thank you for t hinking of us..
Carol 25|1|If you let BIL know your intentions ASAP he might be able to return the item|mfrs|mfrs.sv.ca@gmail.com|14:23:59|12/10/2009|
and let him switch to a plan B 27|2|Shel....tell him sorry....we have already bought their present|BusterBrown|srfreezerqueen@hotmail.com|18:00:46|12/10/2009|
and that had he even taken time from his oh so busy life to ask somewhere along the line....that you could have let him know that....I think it takes some serious cahonas to ask you to cover 1/3rd of a present that you will not be invited to see them receive.....there are other words i would like to use....J