BF of 3 1/2 yrs (mind you we are 40ish). I was straight up with him right from the start that me coming from 2 failed marriages and have 4 kiddos (only 2 left at home) that I WOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO BE PUT ON THE "back burner" & I wanted someone that has "time" for me. I WOULD NOT PLAY ANY GAMES and that I am not 20 yrs old and like being a "home body" but also like to be treated to fun times out too. I want someone in my life for once in my life that sincerely cares about me and does things with me & for me, someone who does not call me names or treat me like Sh**. He said he wants a "family" (he is 1x divorced with a daughter that "hates" him & doesn't visit him, although he sees her once a week when she visits with the grandparents). We also agreed that since I do not want to move my children because of their school and this is also where I work that we have been communting between his place and mine, which seems to have worked out good thus far. So anywho the agreement was we would be together every night and on weekends morning, noon & night. Every night if he isn't at my place for supper we ALWAYS save him leftovers. It all started out all fine and dandy with him being mostly nice, seemed a bit caring, nice to my kids, with us alot, bought me a beautiful handmade gold/diamond necklace for our 1st christmas together, 2nd christmas was a laptop, last christmas ZILCH AND being my birthday is New Years Eve, for the past 3 yrs my parents have been watching all the grandkids so therefore I can finally go out on my birthday (been many years since I have been able to do that), so the 1st year we were together me and some girl & guy friends went out with my BF included he opted to be my sober cab, which I thought was nice, 2nd year we went to my sisters and they had a neighborhood new years party and he came with, which I thought was nice, but last year NOTHING and finally at 9 pm I got ready for bed because I was p****d that he wanted to do NOTHING then he had balls enough to wake up from his everyday reoccuring snoozes (yes he does this I swear any time he sits down) and says suppose we could go out and eat (AT 9 pm!!!!), jerk. Yes he does have a job, which gets lax in the winter & normally is off at or before 5 pm. He also is a crop farmer which is busy spring & fall and has beef cattle which get fed 2x a day. Now he does have help from his dad to feed the cattle, which doesn't take but 1/2 hr in morning & 1/2 hr late afternoon. The crop farming in the fall he has 2 people & sometimes 3 people helping and here's a kicker when he has "too much" crop farming to do he has NO PROBLEM telling his job boss that he can't be at work for days/weeks until he gets his crop stuff done but he can make NO TIME for me, hmmmmm.
He is the only child, therefore self absorbed. Everything is his way. He does what he pleases -when he pleases -how he pleases, doesn't tell me what/when/where anything he's doing or does or any other plans, basically keeps me in the dark, like it's a secret or something. He also blows up at times, then doesn't call or arrive at my house. A few weeks ago he went 6 days without a visit or a phone call, then when he did he said "I miss you guys". I told him yeah right, when you miss someone you don't not call or visit for 6 days, well now he's on another and no call or visit since last Sunday, NICE, not! When confronted about things (problems/issues) he blames me and says that I think it's "my way or no way". My feelings now is YEP, now it is MY WAY or NO WAY and from now on WHEN I SAY JUMP he better be saying HOW HIGH, when I say supper is in an hour he'd better be there to eat it!
Anywho sorry so long, this is it in a nutshell, I could go on & on. Am I wrong in feeling uncared for and "put on the back burner"
http://averagemomaveragelife.blogspot.com
selling Avon products & gifts
***If you are on the BTL or BTW, please don't email me about trading, TY***
A THOUGHT TO PONDER: "On the road of life there are passengers and drivers, which are you?"
1|1|i think you need to run from this one if i wasn't married to him i would be saying bye bye |lydzkydz|lydzmcss@yahoo.com|21:58:58|11/19/2009|
maybe you all need a break from each other to see how you really feel about each other
sometimes i wish i had that opportunity but i am married so i am stuck really
other times i am glad to be here others i am ready to shoot the man
good luck with your endeavor!!!
just my 2 cents maybe 3
please include your user name on refundsweepers.
i appreciate all the trades made in the past.
THANKS!! 2|1|My thoughts|ncbrunet|ncbrunet@aol.com|10:18:14|11/20/2009|
I don't think you are on the back burner, I think you are just convienent for him.
You save his meal if he is not there so he can have it when he wants, it sounds like everything in his life is when he wants it and is just supposed to wait for him to want it again (his job waits until his crop is done??)
I'm afraid if you stay in the relationship this is what you are going to deal with off and on the entire time. It con't make you happy and it doesn't teach your kids anything about a healthy relationship. God forbid, one of your at-home-now kids begins to think this is the way you treat someone you care about!!
Run and run fast.
Please leave feedback if we have traded.
http://www.refundsweepers.com/dcforum/feedback/138.html
3|1|Find Someone Else|Gardenia|baroness.z@verizon.net|17:45:14|11/20/2009|
I'm an only child and we are NOT all self absorbed. Because I have no brothers or sisters, it's all on me to help my mother since my father died.
In terms of your relationship, it's not healthy. It's also not what you want or need. You should realize this after 2 failed marriages. In my opinion, it would be best if you walked away. When you are free/rid of him, you will have the opportunity to meet someone that has your same interests and hopefully wants to share. 4|2|Well last night I did put aside my hurt feelings and called him to say WE NEED TO TALK|pumamomma|pumamomma@yahoo.com|18:44:06|11/20/2009|
(again! Yes 2nd time in about a month). I personally think I have been very patient with this guy and pretty much have bitten my tongue for the last 2 3/4-3 years. It wasn't until last year around Christmas that I finally started saying what I feel, oh but then I am a "f***** old bag" or a "b****". So the conversation was basically him saying everything is MY FAULT (he takes no blame) and that I should give him another 2-3 weeks of this "back burner" crap so he can get his crops done. PLEASE! Do you know how many days/weeks in my life that I would like to put things on the "back burner" so I can "re-group" or get things done! OMG He also thinks that my hurt feelings can be fixed with a flick of a switch. He can't or won't admit that when I have been hurting for about the last year and tried not to "make waves" by saying anything that my feelings about "us" should be unchanged. Sorry but when a person is not treated nicely for a long period of time they feelings are not the same and can't be regained at the snap of a finger. A GF once told me that a relationship is like a check book. There are Debits & Credits for it to equal out. I have also been told that it is like growing a flower, you need to water, fertilize, and give it TLC in order for it to grow. I also asked him how many times does he need to be "slapped up along side the head" with the information on what I want in a relationship and how I am feeling. (2x in last month mind you). He said their I go starting s*** again. Hmmmm This is a no win situation.
http://averagemomaveragelife.blogspot.com
selling Avon products & gifts
***If you are on the BTL or BTW, please don't email me about trading, TY***
A THOUGHT TO PONDER: "On the road of life there are passengers and drivers, which are you?"
5|3|He's not respecting your needs in a relationship...and his language when talking to you is dispicable....I say move on. He obviously only wants to keep you on the line so he gets what he wants out of the relationship, on his terms, when he feels like it. Toxic.|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|18:57:18|11/20/2009|
Posted on Nov-20-09 at 06:57 PM (Eastern) by 98.213.175.237
I have to add this too: My DH and I have been married for 16 yrs, and NEVER, not even ONCE, have we called each other names, no matter how heated an argument we are having....there are boundries even in arguing or disagreeing with each other. If he can't respect the boundries in that, he has no respect for the relationship even in the best of times.
True characters come out in the arguments, not in the lovey-dovey stuff.
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
--Thomas Jefferson--
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.
~Abraham Lincoln
7|4|I have always considered myself an independent person|pumamomma|pumamomma@yahoo.com|19:13:49|11/20/2009|
I am now in MY 2nd home. After my 1st marriage I bought MY home, after my 2nd marriage I bought MY 2nd home. I'm not a leach in any way (like I have seen 1st hand of other women/men). I pay everything MY self. I bought MY own lawn equipment, vehicle, etc. etc. (you get the picture). So when I am treated poorly buy someone that supposedly loves, cares and "wants to be a family" it hurts.
Here's another kicker. Last summer my 70 yr old father in Florida had an emergency health issue so I needed to go there, well I had no option but to take the 2 little ones with so the BF said that he'd like to go to Florida and that he would pay half of the fares for all 4 of us to go, so went as planned, along with us was my sisters & their families (this was a scary ordeal for all of us so we all wanted to be there), kid you not he was evil the minute we arrived, he was rude, unsocialable, nasty language, uncooperative, spent most of the time in the rental condo watching TV. Again I was the f***** old bag and he even told me that he would like to slap my sister in the face. These are people that have previously invited him to holidays and socialized with him nicely for the past 3 1/2 years. I was so appaulled (spelling?)
http://averagemomaveragelife.blogspot.com
selling Avon products & gifts
***If you are on the BTL or BTW, please don't email me about trading, TY***
A THOUGHT TO PONDER: "On the road of life there are passengers and drivers, which are you?"
6|3|I have to ask...|sunriver|lithiasalt@cheerful.com|19:10:13|11/20/2009|
I want you to go back and read your post and every time you mention yourself, put your daughter in that sentence instead. I'm assuming you have a daughter, but if not please imagine it anyway.
You said, "I am a "f***** old bag" or a "b****". So the conversation was basically him saying everything is MY FAULT". Would it be okay if someone said any of that about someone you love?
If not then I wish you loved yourself that much too. You are valuable and nobody has the right to treat you badly, no one.
You can probably imagine that I see this as a toxic relationship too. Be very careful if you don't move on. Don't lose yourself! Vanessa 8|4|I do realize everything that has been said|pumamomma|pumamomma@yahoo.com|19:30:26|11/20/2009|
I do think I have high esteem. I have come from 2 previous mentally (along with slight physical abuse)marriages. Why is it that the relationships start out good to ok (should I say tolerable) then I swear a year or two into it it sours. I once either read or watched (maybe on Oprah) about this trait or something in men. However after always being blamed about the problems in the relationships I find myself just accepting the bad behavior of someone who "loves" me. I know there's a way out (I've done it before) it is never easy and even this time around 3.5 yrs later there are so many strings attached. I have decorated his newly built house with things from my previous houses and also with things I have purchased. My kids have clothes, toys, etc. there, we have extra curricular things, activity things & furniture there, so on & so forth, we tried to make it our home as well, it's not like we pack a bag to cart back & forth. (I know stupid on my part but like I said it really didn't start to bother me until about a year ago, maybe it did & I just tucked it away without even acknowledging it.
Anywho enough rambling, just had to get off my chest. Thanks to all for listening and lending advice. It is sincerely appreciated.
http://averagemomaveragelife.blogspot.com
selling Avon products & gifts
***If you are on the BTL or BTW, please don't email me about trading, TY***
A THOUGHT TO PONDER: "On the road of life there are passengers and drivers, which are you?"
9|5|What about...|sunriver|lithiasalt@cheerful.com|19:37:39|11/20/2009|
telling him that you want some counseling with him. Say that you are at a crossroads and don't want to give up on the relationship, but that things do have to change and probably the easiest way for that to happen is by getting a third party to help you hear each other. I think I would get him that for Christmas.
I would also immediately put an end to the damaging talk. If he calls you any name or says anything that has the slightest hint of rude/abuse in it, I would look him in the eye and say, "No, you will not talk to me like that." He needs to be taught how to talk to others with respect and it falls on you to demand it from him because what you have does not sound like it is working.
(((Hugs to you))), I know it is hard! Vanessa 10|5|well i would be moving MY (your) stuff right out of HIS newly built house and |lydzkydz|lydzmcss@yahoo.com|19:40:38|11/20/2009|
start getting rid of HIS stuff that might be in his house
you are going to have to show him that YOU mean business this time
that it is over
if he can't treat you right then he don't deserve you and your family
sounds like he needs to be alone
just my 2 cents again
please include your user name on refundsweepers.
i appreciate all the trades made in the past.
THANKS!! 11|6|He sounds young|CJDJ112366|Lintaos@optonline.net|19:51:33|11/20/2009|
Carol 12|7|or immature.....|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|20:54:18|11/20/2009|
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
--Thomas Jefferson--
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.
~Abraham Lincoln
13|1|I need to ask this.......|maraj|maraj64@hotmail.com|21:46:08|11/20/2009|
If he is not the father of your children & you're not married to him, what on earth are you doing putting up w/his crap???
Sure, things were good in the beginning, usually are (but 9 times out of 10 the signs are already there if you think about it), but that's cuz he was likely feeling you out to find out how much of a doormat you'd be when he started the b.s. I don't mean to sound rough or unfeeling here, & I apologize to YOU (NOT him) for it, but plain & simple, he's an abusive a$$hole & you're letting him get away w/it! Why? And how can you have any positive feelings for him anymore w/the crappy way he's been treating you, AND your family too by the sounds of it? Kids aren't stupid & actually pick up on alot more than we realize sometimes - why would you want your kids to grow up seeing their mother being treated like crap by some jerk who isn't even their father? And do you want your kids to grow up thinking it's ok for them to treat their gf/bf/spouse like dirt? Or that it's ok for their gf/bf/spouse to treat them like dirt? You sound like a very kind & patient person w/a good heart & it drives me nuts to hear you're being treated this way. :( Nobody, & I mean NOBODY, deserves to be treated in such a manner. I hate to say this but the longer you continue to put up w/it, the longer he's going to continue to dish the crap, & scary as it sounds, it could very well get worse, leading to physical abuse. :( You don't have a relationship w/him; you have a 1-sided boxing match & you're the punching bag basically just standing there letting him jab away. It's time you put on a pair of gloves of your own (& I don't mean "kid" gloves) & go for the final TKO & be done w/it!
We live in the Land of the Free only because of the Brave!
Please identify yourself in 1st email w/name/username. Due to recent problem trades, if I haven't traded w/you before, I will probably require you send your end 1st or I'll need LEGIT trade references/feedback. I will be happy to provide the same. IF you plan to hold your end til you've received mine, I will need to know that IMMEDIATELY, BEFORE trade is finalized.
14|2|Understood & thanks all. Get this, last night he called|pumamomma|pumamomma@yahoo.com|10:36:08|11/21/2009|
(ok I know where this was leading, it's a Friday night & he thinks I might go out on my own or something!?!?!?!, hmmm) Anyway, the conversation went this way: "what are you doing?, Mm not sure why?, well are you going to be home?, Mm (quick on my feet said) ah yeah after 10 pm!, 10 pm? Yep, that's when I will have time for you! Oh don't be a smart a**. Well how does it feel to not be a priority in my life!?! What do you mean? Mm let me see (again how many times does he need to be slapped up side the head on this matter, arrr) you don't put me 1st, you don't have time for me UNLESS it's when you want, etc....Example: he has soooo much crop work to get done BUT he still found time to go deer hunting, therefore not giving me the time of day. He has sooo much crop work to get done BUT yet he allows his "partner" (yeah he & another guy share payments on some of the equipment they use so therefore they also help each other out in crop put in & crop take out) to go on "vacation" this past week (yep the guy & his wife went out of state to visit one of their college kids) and a couple of weekends ago my BF was combining this guys corn & bustin but ALL DAY & NIGHT so late afternoon I joined BF to keep him company and this "partner" had balls enough to call at about 9 pm to say he was too tired and he was going to bed! WHAT, we are taking out your crops and your going to bed, Like the BF is not tired! OMG. I told BF, if that would have been me this guy would get an earful. I told him he should be worrying about his stuff & let the other guy figure out how to get his stuff done "while he's on vacation". How rude! I don't see this guy coming over to BF's while he's at his other job helping him out. Anyway my plans are not to give him much time of day and I am not taking him to my family's for Thanksgiving. If I slowly unattach it will be an amicable seperation. Hope that makes sense.
http://averagemomaveragelife.blogspot.com
selling Avon products & gifts
***If you are on the BTL or BTW, please don't email me about trading, TY***
A THOUGHT TO PONDER: "On the road of life there are passengers and drivers, which are you?"
15|2|you know what the right thing to do is....|KellyJef|burke3536@yahoo.com|11:11:13|11/21/2009|
You are not being a good mother to your kids if you stay with this jerk because it is not a healthy environment for them to live in. If you want to be treated like trash, that's one thing. But to allow your kids to endure this is simply wrong. If he treats you so badly, it hurts your kids, too.
Just the way he talks to you should be enough to kill any love you had for him. As someone else said, you are not married to this guy, so GET OUT NOW.
As Dr. Phil always says "the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for 3-1/2 years is being in a bad relationship for 3-1/2 years AND ONE DAY".