....laid all my cards out on the table last night after another go round yesterday morning. Told Ron we need to separate, but am asking him to hold off on filing divorce papers at least until i get a job. That could be a yr. from now....or sooner, one never knows.
reason being, Ive done some math & budgeting figures and I cannot make it if I have to pay my health insur. through cobra. Right now I only pay $100/mo. thru his employer and I can keep it like that until and unless we actually divorce.
He really didnt have much of a reaction one way or the other.....very disappointing and very, very depressing for me.
tonight we are celebrating his daughters sweet 16 birthday, so that is going to be hard for me. Not sure if hes planning to tell his kids anything tonight yet or wait till this weekend, when they come to visitation. He will stay in this house (as they will), through the separation, because it's his leverage over me in trade for the health coverage. very, very awkward and emotionally going to be hard on me...understatement of the year.
i wanted to post here cause so many of you have listed to me vent. i am sure someone will bash me....but just know this: you couldnt possibly say anything to me that I haven't already told myself....over and over and over again. what a fool I have been. Like Ron said, now i have to live with my decision.
some birthday im going to have tomorrow...we were supposed to go out to dinner, just he & I....not sure what is going to happen, but whatever it is, I Do know it will be extremely uncomfortable and weird.
Shelly
1|1|So sorry Shelly. Praying for your sanity and do take care of yourself! I hope you find a job soon. No bashing from me... |Sara_s_Mom|IClipCoupons@gmail.com|08:16:50|01/22/2009|
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2|2|I hav nothing to say except I'm sorry ......|KellyJef|burke3536@yahoo.com|08:26:15|01/22/2009|
that things went so horribly wrong for you. :(
My prayers are with you.
3|3|Hugs to you Shelly - hang in there|iteachca|iteachca@aol.com|08:57:48|01/22/2009|
Donna
I wanna soak up the sun
4|1|you can't live in the same house and be separated|glennie58|glenn_scott@alumni.ksg.harvard.edu|09:32:57|01/22/2009|
so it gives you more time with health insurance. Just be willing to kick him out (they is winning and you are losing in their minds I bet and their behavior is likely to get worse since he thinks he has something you want) when and if you can't take it anymore... 7|2|well, thats easier said than done, glennie|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|10:26:46|01/22/2009|
...believe me, I get what you are saying..however,I only have so much money coming in ea. mo. and NO JOB. I also have one medical issue I'm working on getting taking care of and then have more that I need tests for! The diff. between his employers insur. and Cobra is huge and I dont think going into debt for something like that is a good idea, imo. this way, I guess you could say we are helping each other, sort of. Listen, Id have to give him SOME kind of notice anyway, to find something else to live in, and Im hoping maybe it wont go all the way to divorce.
Shelly 11|3|I'm not bashing you Shelley, just saying when it gets to be too much|glennie58|glenn_scott@alumni.ksg.harvard.edu|13:39:20|01/22/2009|
let them go, because they are likely to be worse to you before this gets better. Sorry if it sounded like bashing didn't mean that at all. 14|4|Didn't think you were bashing, glennie|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|14:42:13|01/22/2009|
..sorry if I sounded like i thought that. I realized what you were saying and i agree...i think if this plays out and we don't reconcile, he just stays here through a "separation", then the #$@* will hit the fan!
i can totally see him and his kids just letting loose and having absolutely no regard for the situation. You are right..that would be much worse and I promise, I will put a stop to things if they start down THAT road.
Thanks,
Shelly
5|1|Shelly...|sunriver|lithiasalt@cheerful.com|09:37:32|01/22/2009|
I'm so sorry to hear that. Sending you good thoughts today. Hang in there! 6|2|So sorry to read your update...|couponshelmd|couponshel@comcast.net|10:02:22|01/22/2009|
As far as bashing, we all need to support each other as women. We never know what tomorrow may hold for each of us, so we should not judge others.
You seem to be extremly strong and resilient and this too shall pass. Sending a hug and keeping you in my thoughts/prayers,
Shel
8|3|Shelly do what you have to do |LindaOh|Martinl3@roadrunner.com|11:28:01|01/22/2009|
things will get better Linda 9|1|Shelly, I am so sorry :(|kandywolf|kandywolf@gmail.com|12:09:46|01/22/2009|
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10|1|I'm so sorry to hear this....I know how difficult separating/divorcing is|kellysp6637|frugalk76@aol.com|12:19:23|01/22/2009|
on the bright side....you won't have to deal with his children anymore and your life will be happier without the stress of fighting with his and his children.....
Hold your head up high and live your life for yourself and your son.... 12|2|Not to be nosey (and truly sorry for your situation) but, didn't you sell your home to build this one? I'm sorry if that offends - yet, how is it his home to stay in now??|car_mont|car_mont@hotmail.com|13:44:18|01/22/2009|
PLEASE INCLUDE - USER NAME AND YOUR OFFER if we are in a trade. 13|3|yes, sold my last hm. & built this one...|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|14:32:25|01/22/2009|
...with my money. Granted, he gave me a whopping $9k or something for the heating & cooling, but that was something HE said he WANTED to do as I was a bit over-extended building this one after taking about a $15k loss on the home I sold.
So, I DO have a post-nup and it states that we each leave with what we brought....he sold his home prior to moving in here so he is the one that will end up moving out, not me. I'm staying put...I cannot afford to move! Besides, I love this house and where it sits, but admit I am sad that the dream I had of us all living here in harmony is busted!!! So, I will have to come to terms with THAT....the sadness I feel when I look around here instead of the happiness I'd envisioned, you know??
He wasn't/hasn't (so far) stated ANY demands. The stipulations last night all came from ME and from WEEKS of reflecting on this situation (since before Xmas). I am not in a rush to get divorce papers going because in the end my health insurance is going to go wAYYYY up and I can make it financially, right now, completely on my own, if insur. stays the way it is. Meaning, I can pay my own utilities, food, gasoline for my car, house insur., etc., etc. without his help. I pointed all that out, so naturally, he squirmed a bit...lol
I definitely have the upper hand here, and both he and I know it. Now, what he chooses to do with that knowledge is completely up to him. JMO, but I'd think he would jump on the bandwagon and try his best to figure out how to make this marriage work, if that is what he wants. If he truly does not want that, then he needs to step up and say so!! The ball is in his court, and so far he's chosen to ignore the big elephant in the room....whatever.
Shelly 16|4|Can I offer 2 suggestions...|Barb1267|barb04@frontiernet.net|15:12:49|01/22/2009|
Hi Shelly...I have been following many of your posts and feel just terrible for what you are going through...that said I would just like to offer 2 simple suggestions:
1) I'm not sure what state you live in but please check for a state sponsored health insurance program.
My husband is self-employed (in NY) and we have been paying over $1200.00 a month for health coverage for our family for the past 8 years. The business has suffered tremendously since the economy has taken such a turn for the worst and I had to make some drastic changes and I felt our health insurance was the right place to start. I was able to place my children in a NY State program called Child Health Plus for FREE. My husband and I then qualified for a program called Healthy NY where I now get coverage for us for under $600.00 per month. It is based on our income. Once I made the switch I was so angry I never checked into this sooner. Please check to see if your state offers something similar. Local insurance agents can often refer you to someone that specializes in this sort of policy.
2) My second suggestion is to "talk" to a lawyer just to get information on your concerns about your house/healthcare costs. I think it is really important to find out the facts directly rather than go by what you think may or may not happen. Most lawyers will offer a free consultation...so it can't hurt to find out your options.
Hope I haven't overstepped my bounds here...just hoping you can get all the information you need asap...
so the "ball" remains in your court. :o)
Best of luck to you!
~Barb
15|1|Shelly~*~|RebekkaVA|queen_vulture@msn.com|14:59:57|01/22/2009|
I am so sorry to hear this gf, but maybe it's for the best. I really don't like the way Ron or his children have treated you and you deserve better than that, I will be praying for you and hope that things can get resolved the way you want them to. Hugs, Rebekka
~*~REBEKKA~*~
a.k.a. "Queen Vulture"
Married to my Soul Mate William
"My husband has cancer, Please pray for him"
Mommy to:
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Matthew 10/92
Cheyenne 9/99
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17|2|Maybe this will wake him up-- give him a few days to mull it over|sneakers1234|ross417@msn.com|15:30:00|01/22/2009|
Have been reading your posts & don't know all details but I bet after he sees you are serious he may wake up and remember why you got married in the first place.
I assume you saw his kids before your wedding and they were less of an isssue cause they were younger. As teenagers, all kids are a PITA, yours mine and ours probably exaccerbates things.
all parents are like mama bears when it comes to their kids, and from your posts it sounds like your son is perfect, his kids aren't which we all know isn't true. All teenagers are moody, etc it goes with the territory.
try to step back and take a deep breath and DON"T say anything to your kid or his right now. Just make dinner, be pleasant and be cunningly happy you have a plan. Kill them with kindness, KWIM? cause now you made up your mind and it doesn't cost anything to just be sweet.
My bet is in a few days his whole attitude changes when he realizes he can lose you. In all honesty, those kids are going to be around another 2 yrs before college or jobs or whatever but he ain't getting any younger..... he's got a good thing and needs some time to see it.
Might be hard, but bite your tongue right now. Just smile and carryon. I think you've got a surprise coming. 18|3|(((shelly))) I'm so sorry...I still wish you happiness!!!|shellysmsmo|jpksms@sbcglobal.net|15:32:23|01/22/2009|
I know it's hard to be happy when you are going thru so much..
maybe this will be a wake up call for him!!!
I'm thinking of you..and wishing the best for you!!
19|1|Shelly, I am so sorry.....I can only imagine the disappointment and hurt you are feeling right now, I know you had such faith in a new life with a new husband....I am really so sorry :(|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|16:44:09|01/22/2009|
"Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy." 20|1|Hey Shelly................................|ladylkl|t.leiter@mchsi.com|17:26:51|01/22/2009|
.........I'm agreeing with sneakers1234. I especially like the "kill them with kindness" part. ( think I mentioned that the other
day) Also, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you did get a (positive) surprise. R sounds like the type that needs to be smacked up side of
the head a couple times to see the light!!!!!!!!
Hope the BD party is going well tonight and that yours tomorrow is even better. Keep smiling, dear friend.
23|2|Linda...yeah, party went ok...|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|18:13:57|01/22/2009|
....I think Ron was surprised by my attitude....while I was very sweet and pleasant to his kids, I remained mostly quiet towards him. I don't think the kids picked up on anything 'weird" going on between us....sd seemed to be having a good time. He just drove the kids home, and my son went out shopping to get me something for my b-day tomorrow (awww...he's sweet!), sooooooo it'll be just the 2 of us here shortly. Lord I want to run and hide somewhere!! Only half kidding...
Shelly 21|1|Talk with a lawyer before you do anything more|tollman62|thebossatnight@yahoo.com|17:31:50|01/22/2009|
depending on your state if you move out he might get the house even with a post nup by your moving out it can be considered as abandonment. Just some advice stay in the house and have it appraised in case you have to sell.
I am looking for offers in concealed cash ayor ppef or make an offer in????
I mail all my trades from the post office and get a receipt.
you always hear noises in the dark when you work at night 22|2|Tollman....i'm not moving..it's my hm...|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|18:00:32|01/22/2009|
..built entirely with my money. He would have to go, and he knows this. I DO have a post-nup which of course both Ron & I signed, stating the house and everything I came in with are what remain mine should we split. \
I have no concerns about anything save for the health insur., as I've stated.
Thanks everyone, for your kind wishes. The b-day party went fairly well...I was pretty quiet all night, but very nice and sweet when appropriate. Miss step-d. hugged me goodbye and thanked me for her card and $ gift. I saw Ron giving me glances all night long....I was cool towards him, though. All the hurt and disappointment and stuff is still VERY close to the surface for me.
Shelly 24|3|shelly,|pussecat|pu55ecat@aol.com|18:22:59|01/22/2009|
don't be too "cool" towards your hubby, IF you want things to work out perhaps a little "warming up" on your side might help the situation as well. i know things have been rough for you but being a "you know what" isn't going to help matters at all, just like him being another "you know what" isn't going to help things either.
i'm hoping ya'll can work this out. it seems like such a waste for it all to go down the drain. kwim? good luck!
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29|4|jackie...read...|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|06:48:48|01/23/2009|
..thanks for your thoughts. I am not trying to be witchy, but it's possible that's how I am coming off. You must realize: it is *I* who has been the affectionate one all along....NOT Ron!! I have been rejected so much, both emotionally AND physically that I feel he needs to bring *something* to the plate at this point. I cannot feel affectionate towards someone who treats me this way, and allows others to treat me this way, though....i am sure you guys (ladies) can all understand THAT concept.
jackie, i'll try a little harder, I promise....but it's just not easy, and frankly I don't think I feel much anymore.
Shelly
31|5|shelly, i KNOW it's not easy ..................|pussecat|pu55ecat@aol.com|06:59:28|01/23/2009|
i have been with patrick for nearly 9 years now and married to him for nearly 5 and trust me, keeping our relationship afloat isn't easy either. sometimes, i have to be the bigger person and let things go and other times i blow up. i'm not saying this is your fault, not by any stretch of the imagination, i'm just saying that if YOU want to save this marrige then it's going to be YOU that takes the first steps (obviously). maybe ron will come around and see what's happening, maybe not, but isn't worth finding out? if it's not, then let it go, but by some of your posts it seems that you DON'T want the marrige to end and thus, i thought maybe there might be something you could do to try to save it. once again, good luck! i certainly hope all of this comes to a head in a way that you can deal with whole heartedly! hugs!
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32|6|hey Jackie..... |shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|07:12:43|01/23/2009|
.....oh, i get what you are saying, thank you so much for sharing your ideas. i do appreciate your thoughts! lol....can ya tell by now that i TRULY am a redhead in every way? I mean, yes, I AM stubborn!! no, I don't want things to end, 'cause I am not a quitter. yes, I have been the fun, flirty, affectionate one while he sits back and doesn't reciprocate. It hurts.....can I be the bigger person for a while? i don't know..honestly, I don't know if I can overlook my hurt right now.
I will try...i will truly reflect on all you've said and see if I can pull myself up and try this route. I know you are only trying to help, as is everyone on here. You've all been so sweet and supportive, i am blessed to have this board to come to when I need to vent!!
Shelly
25|1|Now that's an idea................|ladylkl|t.leiter@mchsi.com|18:42:20|01/22/2009|
..........instead of being "cool" towards Ron, what about showing him the sweet side of you and maybe even being a little
bit of a flirt! (Pussecat...........is that where you got your username???!!!!) Remind him of what he could be missing if he ends up moving out. Whatcha think?
30|2|I AM the affectionate one...the flirty, funny one!|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|06:55:15|01/23/2009|
that IS my personality...remember ladies, I am a redhead...lol. I think he loves my funny side, but he is NOT an affectionate person and all the rubbing up on him, coming up behind him and hugging him unexpectedly, kissing him for no reason...ALL of that goes unreciprocated, 99.9% of the time!!! This has been going on for THREE years....exactly how much sweeter and more affectionate, flirty, etc. should I be?? i don't mean to sound rude, everyone, but this is kinda half the battle I'm dealing with in this relationship...his lack of emotional anything!!
Shelly
26|1|shelly, i am so sorry things are ending up this way!! i am praying and hoping that your dh and wake up and realize how stupid he is being!! (more inside)|turdra|tammyjoblake@hotmail.com|19:24:37|01/22/2009|
1. all teenagers can be brats, but they do grow out of it!! i was a real brat to my step mom for a few teenage years, but i finally grew up and now, 20 years later we have an ok relationship. we get along fine, i wouldn't ever call her my best friend, but i do like her and i'm so glad my dad has her in his life........for his sake!! they take care of each other, and i'm so glad he has someone to love!!
2. my step son and i had some real issues when he became a teenager. we (stepson and i) had arguements, he told me off many times, and my hubby had a hard time dealing with things. he felt the guilt of being the absentee parent and didn't want to "step up" and tell his son to lay off, grow up, etc. ss and i would make up and get along ok for awhile, and then he'd start a fight with me again. i think he was hoping to split up his dad and i, but it didn't work. we've been together 20 years now, and stepson and i get along pretty well. he finally grew up, and at least to my face, he is respectful and tells me he loves me. don't know what he thinks behind my back, but as long as we can get along when we see each other, i am happy!! i love him very much and want the best for him!!
3. my mom told my hubby many years back, when his kids were little and trying to come between hubby and i.......she said "steve, your kids are going to grow up someday, and have their own lives. they'll be gone from your day to day life, but tammy will be always be there with you. don't let those kids break you guys apart". i don't know if he took that to heart or not, but it seemed to help his mindset. and it's true.........they have their own lives. we talk to them often and see them as much as we can, but they are now 29 and 25 years old, and they are not in our daily lives anymore. i mean, they are both always in our hearts and thoughts, but we can go weeks between seeing them and spending time with them. dh and i, we are here with each other every day. we have each other to count on, and spend our "golden" years together.
so i hope ron can see what he's doing. his kids will someday be grown and gone with their own families, and he'll surely regret giving up his relationship with you.
hope you can glean some insight from my personal life, and hope it can help you shelly!! i care about you and i hope things work out for you & ron. if not, you will be ok!! you are a strong, beautiful, kind person and i know you'll do fine on your own if you have to. take care, tammy
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27|1|shelly,so sorry this happening to you|WillaD|wila111@bellsouth.net|21:49:15|01/22/2009|
i will keep you and hubby in my thoughts and prayers,have
you thought about going to therapy or talked to your
minister,i hope things work out for you
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I JUST LOVE THIS HOBBY
Willa 28|1|I'm so sorry to hear this|Mackiesmudder|Mackiesmudder@aol.com|00:56:26|01/23/2009|
Cathie