Spent this afternoon making cupcakes for the kids and Ron.......nobody even has said thank you, or a word, except "what's for dinner, how soon is dinner, I'm starving, can I eat ALL those cupcakes NOW", etc.!!
I told myself i wasn't going to make them....that they didn't deserve them....but guess my soft side came out.
Darn it!!!
Shelly
1|1|that is about all i get any more from every one then i say your welcome while they are walking away and then i get a thank you LOL |lydzkydz|lydzmcss@yahoo.com|16:59:44|01/13/2009|
reverse it LOL
sorry things are going so crummy
can i have cupcake LOL
please include your user name on refundsweepers.
i appreciate all the trades made in the past.
THANKS!! 2|1|Maybe after you made them, you should've put them in the freezer for you and your son to have during the week :)|RebekkaVA|queen_vulture@msn.com|19:52:46|01/13/2009|
~*~REBEKKA~*~
a.k.a. "Queen Vulture"
Married to my Soul Mate William
"My husband has cancer, Please pray for him"
Mommy to:
Timothy 5/80
Matthew 10/92
Cheyenne 9/99
*EMAIL*: queen_vulture@msn.com
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3|2|Ahh..great advice, Rebekka!!!|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|07:22:45|01/14/2009|
lol......I think I just may do that next time!! lol
Shelly
4|1|Anytime...|Gail_O|gailandlarryondrej@gmail.com|08:39:32|01/14/2009|
I bake something each and every person in the house asks "did you make that to take to work tomorrow or is that for us?" 5|2|Well, I did get my thank you's....|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|08:53:46|01/14/2009|
....as Ron's kids were walking out the door, he told them to come back and thank me for the cupcakes and "everything', which they did do.
I don't do these things for the thanks, lord knows, kids can be pretty clueless----but it was more the fact that I've been ill for MONTHS now and nobody even bothers to ask how I'm doing today, let alone help around the house and this includes everyone *except* my son!
He's gotten a whole lot more mature and considerate since his visitation last summer w/my ex. His dad spoke to him about how he should be interacting with me and it's made ALL the difference in the world!~!
Ron & I talked a little last night, didn't end well....so I wrote a note and left it for him this morning.
He wrote a very short note back saying we'd talk about my note tonight. No goodbye...no I love you, nothing. Just signed his name.
I found out yesterday (called our Health insur. co.) that I'd be covered until 30 days after an actual divorce was finalized, but then I'd be eligible for Cobra coverage for 18 mo's.....something Ron's been holding over my head. He's tried to say that if he leaves I won't have health insurs., and he knows darn well how that worries/intimidates me due to my issues for the past many months!!?!?
grrrrr.....I fixed him. I still have 'financial" concerns with regards to this whole mess..but health coverage in and of itself isn't one of them.
Shelly
Shelly
6|1|honestly shelly, not that you care what i think, but............|pussecat|pu55ecat@aol.com|09:28:15|01/14/2009|
JUST from what i read in THIS post, i'd definatley try my hardest NOT to get into a fight, but ask him WHY he thinks YOU want a divorce. i'd ask why the THOUGHT of a divorce has even come to mind. i'd ask him what EXACTLY i had done to make the WORD divorce come out of his mouth. and i'd stay on the subject until i got it out of him. my guess is he will become VERY defensive, but YOU need to try to stay UNdefensive, just keep talking, not yelling. let him KNOW how you feel, tell him it hurts you when this or that is done or said, let him know how you feel. stop holding things back shelly. i mean really, if he is SERIOUS about a divorce, there's really no further down you can go from here.
am i making sense? i'm not trying to tell you what to do, i'm just giving sucggestions to try to help you get through tonight.
hth and good luck! hugs!
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7|2|Jackie...I'm me talking divorce|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|09:48:53|01/14/2009|
....because I HAVE talked till I'm blue in the face, and he's saying that he's tired of hearing about it?! Told me last night that we need to talk about "happy things"....I said,....ummmm Ron, hard to do when I'm feeling absolutely hopeless about this union, etc.!!
I've talked, written letters to describe what i feel needs to change on BOTH our parts, read books looking for insight, talked with people who support me (family & friends), etc., and tried just about *everything* I can think of to get our relationship on a better track!!!!
He's absolutely frustrating to talk to...he twists everything that is said, never accepts his role or the role of his children in ANYTHING and firmly believes that *I* am the root of ALL the issues. Now, I can and have accepted that I have a personal responsibility in some of this which is why I've been racking my brain for solutions, but....in all honesty.. there is no way in #*&! that I am FULLY responsible for all these issues!!
Much of it stems from his communication style---he seriously lacks. He believes commication is "DRAMA", and no amt. of talk will sway him from that. I feel he wants a submissive woman, and guess what....that's not me. He also has *seriously* demented views (imho) about exactly what RESPECT is: he told me (yet again) last night that his people should ALWAYS confront the other party DIRECTLY, regardless of age, relationship, etc., instead of speaking behind one's back. What he means is that he strongly feels that RESPECT means that my sons or his daughter, anyone....should feel perfectly free to unload WHATEVER they feel to someone's face...instead of holding their tongue at certain times. I say that my sons were brought up to know that you have to realize where to draw the line. My sons do not necessarily like Ron (because of what they've observed w/his treatment to me), but they have NEVER and they will NEVER say anything directly to him...out of respect for ME. They may bring something to MY attention and we'll have a talk about it, but in the end they know that I've chosen this man for whatever reason(s) and that they should respect his role in MY life.
Does everyone else agree w/this logic, or am i (and my ex, since this is what we both believed in teaching our boys) way off base here?? Ron was absolutely indignant last night that WE are awful people because this is our philosophy?!
Shelly 9|3|Oh, and i can ask point blank questions...|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|10:11:13|01/14/2009|
...like "well, what should i have done differently", and he just stares at me. Doesn't answer, not a word!! I have to then ask, "well, can you answer me"? and he'll usually say "what do you want me to say/I don't have any answers for you"??!? HUH? If you're going to blame ME for the problems, then don't you think you should be able to back that up with some kind of suggestion/solutions for what you'd RATHER see happen?! Doesn't make ANY sense whatsoever to me!!
Believe me...I've tried focusing on other things, basically doing my OWN thing and letting him be....this has gone on for over a wk. now and he seems perfectly content to NEVER bring anything up on his own accord. This leads me to believe he'd rather see me NOT hear me....and that's insulting in addition to it's just not ME. I've sequestered myself away from his daughter when she visits, to avoid ANY possibility of conflict and the only person that's hurting is ME.....trust me, she doesn't care--she likely PREFERS me out of the picture and daddy all to herself!! He tells me the tension between her & I is so thick you can cut it with a knife...so I walk around on eggshells when she is here...don't really speak to her unless necessary and she's still witchy with me. Then he has the NERVE to say that there is nothing he can do---she's just being rebellious and for me not to take it "personally". Hard to do when she's only snapping at ME....but pleasant and laughing with everyone else in the house!!? His version is that she turned that vacuum on to drown me out because I was "nagging" at her regarding her chore. NOT TRUE. I was calm, never raised my voice, simply stated that last time it was done so fast that there was 2 canisters FULL of dog hair remaining on the floor. It was he who said we have to "teach her" how to vacuum (excuse me, isn't she 16 this month??! Seriously...she doesn't understand how to vacuum yet?) but he did not do it, so I said something.
If he'd just step up and parent his own kids, half of this crap wouldn't be an issue......I've said so!!! I've told him that refusing to "get into it with her and me" is making ME out to be the bad guy and it's NOT fair....she already doesn't like me.....and he's making it that much harder for me!!! What's his problem?!??!?
Shelly
15|4|ok, you may not like this reply but here it goes......|pussecat|pu55ecat@aol.com|10:30:08|01/14/2009|
shelly , i copied the previous reply you made and did a little bit of research. i counted how many times i saw certain words and here's what i found:
you said - "HIM - 2 TIMES"
you said - "HE - 9 TIMES"
you said - "HER - 7 TIMES"
you said - "SHE - 11 TIMES"
you said - "I - 12 TIMES"
you said - "ME - 23 TIMES"
so looking at JUST that post i'd say the problem may not be between you and your husband, it look's like it might be between you and your step-daughter?
have you and your step daughter had any "getting to know one another time" together? just the 2 of you? ya know, gone shopping, went to a movie, out for a walk, anything? i mean, do ya'll have a relationship? or is this something that has just started in the past month or so? and why is she so jealous of you? are you jealous of her? (i mean the time one or the other spends with "dad")
just wondering and trying to help you figure out where the problem(s) lie.
hth :)
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12|3|I think...|Gail_O|gailandlarryondrej@gmail.com|10:14:55|01/14/2009|
A person, any person in a family, or least those that live together, should be able to tell each other their thoughts and feelings. However, there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. It should be done respectfully, without yelling and without personally attacking the other person. 8|2|I agree w/ Pussecat:|aloha2u|alohamillion@yahoo.com|10:04:40|01/14/2009|
I am very sorry Shelly. I have been following some of your posts since the chorechart post so I know a little bit of what is going on. I do agree w/ Pussecat that you need to really find out what is going on. You seem very frustrated and hurt in your posts so I am sure this is a raw nerve so not getting all defensive and shutting down will be hard but I think you really have to force yourself to do it and find out once and for all if he wants a divorce or where his head is at.
I am not marriage expert, and our marriage is not perfect by any means, but been married since I was 21 and for almost 18 years. Hubby and I just know we are in it for the long haul so I would never do anything (nor he) that I would have to live w/ facing him for the rest of my life. Not to say we don't fight but alot of times we both just let stuff go; and all relationships go thru periods of happiness and periods of hating each other. But you have to learn to trust each other and know your partner has your back no matter if the lovey stage or the hateful stage.
Don't know if you are religious or not, but if you and Ron are, maybe you can have this true heart to heart talk and if you are both committed to making it work get that Fireproof movie book and start to follow that. And don't keep tabs on what he does, focus on your behaviors and your making him feel loved and hopefully it will all work out. If you seen the movie, you would understand the challenges the main character faced. 10|3|that movie's coming to Redbox...|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|10:12:49|01/14/2009|
..I saw it in my email this morning. I plan to rent it....thanks for the tips!
Shelly
14|4|Shelly sorry to say|teener|teenerzacsneenee@yahoo.com|10:30:07|01/14/2009|
that after reading what you posted above I have to say that yes not saying things to him or his children is bad It isn't disrespectfull to open yourself up and tell someone what you are thinking/feel
When my oldest was 7 months old my DH had what some call a breakdown after time in the hospital and hrs and hrs spent with therapy what came to light was that he had to learn to speak out and that the way he was raised was the main cause
He was taught to be respectfull but to a fault He could never ever speak his mind to his parents/family and held it all in They esp his mother has never learned to "back " down so to speak and he just took it. Not that the Dr told him to be nasty to his parents but to learn to be able to say what needed to be said
He has gotten better but I don't think he'll ever be able to be open but it has flowed over to other parts of his life and effects him still
TRy if you can to allow yourself to tell your step children how you feel and allow your sons to do the same they may respect you more for doing so
20|5|About Respect & my definition|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|11:11:37|01/14/2009|
..I'm talking getting in someone's face, gettng THAT close to them, pointing at them, getting NASTY...saying WHATEVER comes to mind, irregardless of the other parties FEELINGS>
His daughter has said things that have made me break down crying as it came out of her mouth (recent example: well, did you ever think that HE (meaning her dad) just doesn't love you">?!) I began sobbing, after the initial shock, then flatly asked her WHY she would say something so hurtful to me??! She stated that she "always gets in trouble for saying stuff she doesn't really mean"......ummmm...excuse me, I don't buy that line of BS. She meant it, and she said it, and all it did accomplish was to HURT me.
My boys and I are good at communicating our thoughts/feelings between ourselves and to their dad as well. they know they can come to me/or him with ANYTHING and we will listen and they've listened as I've spoke my mind. They don't cross the line though and feel it's ok to blast someone by telling them how "mean they are" or run down a list (sd has done this) of everything she doesn't like about me. I think it's one thing to do that in an open discussion sort of environment, if you will....but not to just walk up to someone and blast away.
to me, there is a difference. My older son had THE occasion to get in Ron's face recently and he did: Ron yelled at me to "just Shut up" and said it about 2 more times. my 16 yr. old walked into the room and though he did NOT walk UP to Ron, stayed where he was standing (near me) and said, "listen....do not EVER speak to my mother that way AGAIN, do you understand???? NEVER again". Ron was pissed...and said, "well, I told her to "shut up and she wouldn't", and my son stated again that he was not to ever talk to me that way again. I then walked closer to Ron and lowered my voice and told him that my son was right......that I won't allow Ron to ever speak that way to me again. that I'd decided after my last marriage that I deserved respect and just who did he think he was to ORDER me when to speak and when not to??! enough said....he shut up.
shelly 11|3|Sorry: I misunderstood as well....|aloha2u|alohamillion@yahoo.com|10:14:48|01/14/2009|
I think that if you feel that the relationship is to the point of divorce, then for the sake of the kids then you should just leave (or he leave...not sure who lives where....)
If it is inevitable, why prolong it? Life is too short to be miserable, IMO.
Good luck and sorry I misunderstood!
Stacey
13|4|So help me, ladies...how do I...|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|10:29:07|01/14/2009|
...not get defensive or get hurt, depressed, whatever when I reach out and get rejected. Examples: a few days ago he was leaving w/his kids to go to a b-ball game @ HS, and he went to give me a quick peck on the lips goodbye. I kissed him back, then we hugged then I went to give him another kiss and he turned away. His son was standing right there----witnessed it all and I was not only humiliated but felt really rejected!?
Ron NEVER walks up to me and gives me a hug, no reason, even when I'm crying he won't EVER reach out to comfort me....not in 3 yrs. time. I could cry all night (have, on occasion, alone in my room) and that man wouldn't ever walk up to me and say Honey I hate to see you feel like this, don't worry, we'll work it out, etc......I don't get it?! If my husband was upset I would (and have) questioned him, sat with him, rubbed his back, tried to get to the bottom of things.
I've been very open and vulnerable with Ron....I broke down last night and told him that I miss certain things that we used to do/how we used to behave with each other, and that I'm grieving for the things I need and want and miss in a marital relationship. He just sat there. Didn't approach me, didn't say that HE misses ANYTHING, etc. He is very cold in this way-----it feels like rejection, and I'm getting tired of opening up to someone that seems to not care on whit that I'm unhappy. There ARE things he can do that would HELP turn this around in my mind....it wouldn't take much, believe me. But he hasn't done one thing.
Yes, I'm hurt. Yes, I'm grieving, if you will......yes, I'm mad at myself....yes, I feel like a fool, I feel unlovable and rejected.....I feel so many things and none are very good right now.
shelly 16|5|Have you taken the "test"|teener|teenerzacsneenee@yahoo.com|10:36:19|01/14/2009|
at the Dr's office? It's a bunch of questions they give to you to determine if you are depressed. From what you write here it seems to me that you may need meds to help you No need to feel ashamed about it I have taken meds a couple of times over the years and it helps 17|6|good suggestion tina! ^5|pussecat|pu55ecat@aol.com|10:38:42|01/14/2009|
while granny was here i was depressed, didn't know it until a couple of weeks before she left but i was. i wish i had known then what i know now! i can tell you this though, it won't happen again without me figuring it out! :)
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18|5|I am not sure how you will do these things:|aloha2u|alohamillion@yahoo.com|10:43:57|01/14/2009|
but I know that for my family, I know hubby better than anyone else in the world. And when he does things, I can more often than not attribute them to the way his mom is or how he was treated as a child. And he is the same w/ me.
And for the scenerio you just gave, Ron DID give you a kiss and a hug. Maybe he was in a hurry and missed the groove of the last one you were giving him; maybe he is not a kissy kind of guy unless ~~you know LOL~~, maybe he was embarassed in front of his kid or whatever. You maybe looked on the negative side of that instead of maybe laughing and telling him something funny like, " Sure keep me hangin', Ron!!" and then laugh about it.
Can you get the Five love languages book? That was very insightful for me to read.
I guess it all is about what you want. You maybe want a divorce but are a nice person and have to have an imagined list and once it is full then you can give yourself permission to leave the marriage? Maybe you are deeply hurt and are looking to him to heal your pain when really it is only you who can heal yourself (with the support of him and others of course, but only you control your thinking/ feelings/ emotions etc.)
Anyhow, good luck, Shelly!
Stacey =)
19|6|Have read Five love languages...|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|11:00:22|01/14/2009|
..was very insightful....asked Ron if he would read it. No committment there, yet, anyway. i found that what i've kinda known about myself was true. My languages are: Words of Affirmation & Quality time. He took the test @ the end of the book and wasn't consistent w/his answers, so it shows 4 out of 5 are HIS languages!? Kind of hard to work with, as I know he's not interested in physical touch at all. Let me just say...we sleep in separate bedrooms because he's a HORRIBLE snorer...and there is NO touching/physicality other than when HE is in the mood, which is about 2x a wk. There are never kisses, holding hands, hugging, etc., he doesn't say I love you, etc. He has NEVER told me anything that he likes/loves about me, just what he cannot stand/won't tolerate?! To be fair, I've told him to his face, written it in cards/letters, mentioned things in front of his kids, shared things with my family/kids that I love/appreciate about HIM. To never receive any positive feedback in almost 3 yrs. time is really beginning to weigh on my self-esteem.
I guess I do kinda have a "list" if I understood you correctly, but i'm not wishing this marriage to end....let me be upfront about that. I DID fall in love with him, but I think all the one-sided negativity (in my mind, anyway, to be fair) and finger-pointing, name calling, etc. has really put a huge damper on my feelings, kwim?!? I am finding that I'm starting to just not care one way or the other anymore...and that is very SAD to me. I am not excited to see him at the end of the day anymore. I just want: RESPECT, COMMUNICATION, SUPPORT, LOVE, patience (he is extremely patient with everyone in his life but ME, and I don't get that), some romance once in a while and encouragement as I go through life. Quality time a couple times a month would be great as well. I want him to get to know me....he says things to this day that make me realize he doesn't have a CLUE who I am!!
Is that asking too much? I feel that without these things above we dont even have a solid foundation to build on!!! I feel that I do give him the very things I'm asking for. I'm not disrespectful to him OR his kids, I TRY to communicate, I support him in what he wants to do/choices he makes, I love him and I TRY to show him and or display it as often as I can. I am an extremely romantic person, but he doesn't value that, so it's lost on him. I never excude him from anything in my life----no matter how busy I am I always make time for him and to let him know he's on my mind, etc. now the patience thing...that's something *i* need to work on. It's not my virtuee...lol...and I know it.
Shelly 21|7|shelly, by any chance did most of this stuff start happening around halloween or say, thanksgiving?|pussecat|pu55ecat@aol.com|12:19:23|01/14/2009|
i know that i've read that the holiday season (stretching from around halloween all the way until valentine's day) can be VERY stressful on certain types of people. perhaps becasue of all of the family closeness? i just wonder if ron's family isn't used to being so lovey dovey and if the holiday season just makes them "mad" (so to speak and for a lack of a better term)
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26|8|Tina..nope,been this way since July...|shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|14:52:50|01/14/2009|
when we moved in here....certain attitudes changed as well as opinions on how'd we'd discussed we would handle particular blended family issues once married/moved.
Ron's family is very loving and attentive and likes to party thru the holidays. i can't imagine that would be stressful. He complained about doing a stocking for ME...I put together/filled 5) total stockings, for his 2 kids and my 2 + my ex's stocking, helping my 16 yr. old shop for/have the money to purchase items for his dad.
so, one stocking and one extra gift in January really seems to put my husband over the edge. he said next yr. he's getting everyone ONE gift and NO stockings. i told him he has no right to decide how I and my children want to celebrate any holiday.
shelly
22|7|My B-day's next wk. and |shelly|shellysue49@gmail.com|12:46:25|01/14/2009|
...I heard complaints from Ron LAST year that 'there's just too much going on in January" (meaning his daughter's b-day is 2 days before mine) and he brought that up yet again this month!! now he doesn't do much for me--other than like taking me out to dinner, and maybe a sm. gift. he does buy Molly a larger $ gift and then a cake/party at hm. w/just us.
There are no more celebrations until March, my son's b-day which ron will give him $15/20 and then April for his son's b-day. the whole comments just make me feel like a burden. at this point I just feel like telling ron not to bother....that me & my son will go out for dinner and possibly a movie.
how would you feel? am i making a big deal out of this? would you just go out w/Ron and try and have a good time?
shelly
24|8|you know what i'd do?|pussecat|pu55ecat@aol.com|13:33:55|01/14/2009|
i'd get all dressed up on my birthday, make a BIG deal out of any present i received. i'd give my husband a big hug and kiss after receiving either a card or a gift, maybe even a soft whisper in the ear about a "lil something special" later that evening (dont' forget to wink), i'd go to the restaurant and order WHATEVER i wanted and ENJOY eating it too! i'd be just as nice as i could be and i'd definatley enjoy my birthday to it's fullest!
that's what i'd do :)
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23|1|I don't think|teener|teenerzacsneenee@yahoo.com|12:59:46|01/14/2009|
the kids like you because you married their father You were good as a GF but the situation changed when you got married
Esp with the daughter that is her Dad her love from him now there is you It wouldn't be the first time a daughter has caused a problem between her Dad and stepmom Have you tried family therapy Divorce is an option but that is something that should come after all else has been tried
25|1|Shelly, I think I would stop caring what everyone else says or thinks and just take care of Shelly. If you aren't happy, how are you going to make anyone else happy.|Ranalt|ainebailey@gmail.com|14:45:09|01/14/2009|
Do things just for you.
I don't know if you are working or not, but if you are not, why not go volunteer somewhere?
I am sure it will make you feel better as well as who you are volunteering for will love the help.
Go for a walk at a nice park or mall. Go the the bookstore and curl up with a book, etc.
DO things for you.
Personally,I don't think your new family is worthy of you and I would stop letting them make you feel
unworthy, when the reverse is true.
Life is like a cup of tea,
It's all in how you make it.
Lisa
27|2|I agree with Lisa girlie, do things for you, you are a good person and I am so sorry you're going through so much~*~|RebekkaVA|queen_vulture@msn.com|15:23:20|01/14/2009|
~*~REBEKKA~*~
a.k.a. "Queen Vulture"
Married to my Soul Mate William
"My husband has cancer, Please pray for him"
Mommy to:
Timothy 5/80
Matthew 10/92
Cheyenne 9/99
*EMAIL*: queen_vulture@msn.com
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