Ok, last night got pretty ugly around here. Basically, my sd (15) felt the need to mention (yet again, have heard this recently at least 3-4 times) that the kid's bathroom is *filthy* whenever she & her brother are here for visitation and she's "had to clean it herself". Ok, back up a gosh-darned minute: she & my ss (10, and a real sweetheart!), cleaned that particular bathroom ONE TIME in the 5 months we've lived here!!?!?!?!??!
And, I am a VERY clean person...my house is tidy at all times, there is absolutely NO clutter anywhere. I regularly (and I mean at a MINIMUM) clean bathrooms, mop ALL floors, etc. once a wk., depending on what else I have going on. We have THREE bathrooms in this new house.
My 16 yr. old son, bless his heart, spoke right up and said: Listen, I've observed that my mom is doing ALL of the work around here and nobody else EVER pitches in (this applies to DH---and I do not mean "dear" today!). My son suggested a chore chart to be placed on the fridge. Well, DH has maintained that his kids are "only here every other week", so he doesn't want them to be doing chores, because, in his book, they will come to HATE that and therefore not want to visit anymore. HUH??!? Are you SERIOUS?!?!? I think it's obvious I do not share this viewpoint. I believe that 5 people live in this house and that it's not ONE person's responsibility to take care of everything! We (my ex and I) always told our boys that everyone needs to help in order for the house to run efficiently, something to that effect, anyway. Cannot remember our exact wording.
Soooo.....this morning I got up and I'm making that darned chore chart! ***key note: DH *finally* agreed to this last night, so I'm planning to hold him to it!!! I have decided his children will do chores only every other weekend, when they are here, obviously. For the 10 yr. old, he actually spoke up last night and asked if he could do dusting and cleaning mirrors/windows....absolutely!!! Done!! He's very meticulous and always willing to help if you just ask. For MY son (16), I have listed stuff he's already doing for the most part (taking the dog out every afternoon after school, taking the garbage dumpster to the curb ea. Tues., and then every other weekend taking the recycling bins to the curb). In addition, I've put down that he needs to empty all interior garbage cans (in ea. rm.) into the big kitchen garbage can, at LEAST 2x a wk. Now, I don't know *yet* what to list for my sd---she is totally not into cleaning. In fact, her room in this new house has NEVER been vacuumed in FIVE months AND her bedding has NEVER been washed in the same 5 mo's!?!?!??? Do you all find that as disgusting as *I* do???!?? How DARE she bring up MY housekeeping "skills"!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Oh: side note: I've been told by DH NOT to enter "her" room, so if anyone's wondering why I haven't just vacummed in there or stripped the bunkbed, that is why. My issue right now: what to list for DH. My initial thought is to make him *totally* responsible for preparing the meals every Tues. night when his children are here as well as every other wkend. when they are here. Right now, I do all that, and I sincerely do not believe my husband appreciates me. I'm thinking it would be a good "refresher course" for him to remember what his life was life BEFORE I came into the picture and began taking over these things in order to make life easier for HIM!!! That was TRULY how I felt at the time...what can I do to help this man? Well, I think in less than 1 mo's. time, he might have a lightbulb moment.
But, I worry that I'm perhaps being too harsh on hubby and the kids....I KNOW I am upset..this has been *one* thorn in my side for months and I HAVE tried to talk about it, to no avail. But, I don't want to overcompensate for my anger at this time. I really am an easy to get along with person, I think...that's what everyone *else* tell me. I am second guessing myself a LOT lately. Not sure I know what's right and what's wrong anymore....
HEAVY sigh.....
Shelly
1|1|Any ideas/comments?|Shelly|giftstar@aol.com|13:21:13|12/17/2008|
TIA,
Shelly
2|2|Where is everyone today??..|Shelly|giftstar@aol.com|15:55:18|12/17/2008|
..am I the only one here?
Shelly
3|1|Shelly...check inside..|Skaytes|skaytez@gmail.com|16:21:12|12/17/2008|
I think it must be "in the air" as my hubby is on my last nerve as well these past few weeks. Anyhooo...you can print out some chore charts online..some really nice ones. Here is one link:
http://www.tipztime.com/chorecharts/freechorecharts.html scroll down on left and check out more on that page for specific stuff as well.
Just do a google search with .. printable chore charts .. in the search line and you will get a ton of results. You are in a tough situation there if he doesn't put his foot down with his kids. They are gonna walk all over both of you. They are not stupid and will play it to the hilt and pit you against each other as well..you have already seen that of both already am sure. Won't get any better unless he steps up to the plate and acts like a parent with rules and being the 'bad' guy and all. Parents are not supposed to be their kids 'best friend'..they need a parent FIRST then you can be a friend later in life but alot of parents just don't 'get' that concept. I feel badly for you and hope it all works out in the long run for all of you... 4|1|Chores|Gail_O|gailandlarryondrej@gmail.com|20:55:27|12/17/2008|
I do not have an answer about successfully getting others(namely the kids) to help with chores, we are fighting that battle in our home ourselves. We are a blended family too. One thing we do is everyone and I mean everyone, does all their own laundry. DH even does his own. The only items that DH and I launder that is used by everyone is bath towels. I will brag on DH, he really does more cleaning than I do as he has more time off work than I do. Also, he is not a cook, so he rarely prepares meals, but instead he is more than happy to clean up the kitchen for me. An since he does not cook, there are no complaints when I am tired and just stick a couple if pizzas in the oven. Now, if and when you find a way to get the kids to help out more, let me know as I am willing to try anything. DH jokes that the only way we will get any of them to help more is to hand out eviction notices. 5|1|Sorry I didn't reply sooner girlie~*~|RebekkaVA|queen_vulture@msn.com|00:00:02|12/18/2008|
I really don't know what advice I can offer, I'm trying to think of something that would help you out and also unite you guys as one family, not two. I do agree you should make Ron cook all the kids meals while they are visiting, and I also I strongly agree that your step daughter should do chores, so what if she only visits now and then, it seems to me that she thinks it's her house when she's visiting and she has her own room, so why shouldn't she do some chores around the house? If it gets really bad, you could always turn one of the bedrooms into a guest room and tell her that is where she sleeps when she "visits", why should she have her own bedroom and all the priviledges of the house when she doesn't want to participate as a family, or pitch in. I'm sorry it may sound harsh, I've had a rather exhausting day here, I got some news that really upset me, so I've been in a pissy mood all day. Hugs, Rebekka
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6|2|You could create one in Excel if you have it...|Sara_s_Mom|IClipCoupons@gmail.com|19:47:11|12/18/2008|
BTW, if he thinks you should treat his kids like "guests" instead of family members, then there's bound to be problems. Even a guest should have the courtesy to strip their bed! I think going 5 months without a vacuum is a bit much too. Your hubby should let you in there to at least dust.
Families do chores... that is just a fact. Yes, they should have fun at your house. But when he wants to treat them like house guests vs. his own kids, then there's bound to be some friction. Stand firm. You don't want to be treated like a hotel maid the rest of your life by his kids ;)
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7|2|chore chart and other thoughts...|aloha2u|alohamillion@yahoo.com|19:52:26|12/18/2008|
I think that this would be a super time to try to connect with the SD. Tell her w/ hubby there that he and you decided to do a chore chart for the family. Since her younger brother has already picked what he wanted to do, she can pick what chore she wants to do. Maybe you want to have the chores to pick from there or maybe you can trust her to pick something herself. I would also tell her that you have respected her privacy regarding not entering her room but that certain things MUSt be done for hygiene reasons: the bedding needs to be laundered every ____(fill in the blank) and that every___(fill in the blank) her room should be dusted and vaccummed. You can give some crazy talk about bed bugs or the mattress needing to be flipped or ? and then about dust mites and allergies from not dusting and then some jive about carpet wearing poorly if not routinely vaccumed, etc. I would offer to help if she needs it and if she declines, then tell her that you would appreciate her starting this routine beginning this weekend. And then you may want to advise her that your dad will be cooking every Tuesday evening for the family, and that everyone in the family needs to be supportive of his efforts (ie under no conditions is anyone to complain about what he has chosen to make etc.) I would keep it upbeat and remind her that it would be alot of fun for everyone in the family to chip in on that night to help him and maybe occasionally he'll want the night off and instead take everyone out to eat. Hopefully, with her seeing that you are both on board with this new routine, she will not try to push too many limits, and hopefully if hubby hears you being fair and positive with his daughter he will step up and make sure that all of these things are being followed as agreed upon.
Good luck with your efforts! I think the key here is to keep things in perspective and not get resentful about things. I guess I would pick your battles and know that eventually, this too shall pass...
Merry Christmas!
Stacey =)
8|1|Set an allowance pay scale based upon age|Kristy|mi3zons1@yahoo.com|19:57:11|12/18/2008|
Set an allowance per child per age, etc. Give them a list of their expectations. Keep track who does what they are supposed to who doesn't. If they dont' their allowance is forfeited. IF it's a chore someone else can take.. ie vacuuming hte living room then another child has the opportunity to make some extra dough by doing the chores of their irresponsible sibling.
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