My husband is in the navy ,10 years now. He just got back friday night after being gone for 1 month on a det to nevada. Within 10 mins of getting home, he tells me that he wants us to separate so that he can sort out his feeling towards me and if he ever wants to change his partying habits and his drinking. He does drink a lot, never been abusive to me. I am 33 he is 32. We have been married for 8 years, together for 12. We have 4 boys, 2 of the the youngest are ours together and my 2 oldest from a relationship i had that turned bad and my ex passed away at at the age of 30 suddenly due to undiagnosed diabetes. He has raised my two oldest boys as his own and has been providing for them for the last 12 yrs. kids ages are 13, 11, 9 and 6. I tried to get him to open up more about why this sudden decision...i get different answers from how we 2 are so different.. he like to party, drink and hang out, me on the other hand is reserved, dont drink, dont go to bars,etc...i am all about home, kids and work.. i am a nurse. He has always told me and his friends that he is happily married and now he says that he loves me but not sure if he is in love with me anymore. I am also always sick. I have been recently found to have little masses in my ovaries which have yet to have been diagnosed,depression, cervical neck and back herniations, chronic fatigue, and mild stenosis, but i always do my job as a wife and mother and keep a fulltime job all through out my pain.. i have worked at this nursing home for 3 years with only 2 days of calling off due to the flu. My husband has known how different we are from the first day we met and he has told me that he has been looking to settle down and be with a woman who has a good head on her shoulder and not a party girl. I accepted his partying ways as well. I know that he will be there for me and the kids but I am heartbroken and confused. I love this man so much. He told me that he should want to do things for his wife, not having to do them. There isnt a lot of time left before he goes to his 6 month deployment and i dont know what to do. We have joint bank accounts, i also have a separate one myself..i own my own vehicle so does he...we rent a home, in which he says he will always pay for to keep a roof under me and the kids..he will be around whenever we need him, just not together. I guess he needs his space to sort out his feelings towards me and if he really wants to be with me. He has done this before to me about 5 years ago as well and I thought it was just the so called mid life crisis and we have been fine since. I am not an unattractive woman, not overweight,etc. I cook, clean, work, take care the kids and him. here is a link to my space page http://www.myspace.com/netvixen360
There is no other woman according to him..he has always been a flirt but i know he has not cheated on me. What to do? I am lost, hurt, and confused. I havent eaten in 2 days, just sipping on coffee and lying on the couch. He is suppossed to come over sometime to day so hopefully we can figure out whats next..any advise? Thank you for reading thislong post
Trish
1|1|sorry to hear you are going through all of this|ab6333|aimee@accountant.com|11:01:37|09/14/2008|
Hopefully you two can have a nice calm discussion and decide what will work out best for everyone considering the circumstances.
2|1|protect yourself financially, move $ into YOUR account (m)|glennie58|glenn_scott@alumni.ksg.harvard.edu|11:08:04|09/14/2008|
keep nothing in a joint account that he can clean out, close all credit cards that he has access to so you don't get burdened with his debts (or at least take your name off the accounts) 8|2|we dont have debts together|4boysisenough4me|vixen25@msn.com|12:08:19|09/14/2008|
credit cards are in his name.. i have access to his account but he doesnt have access to mine..our paychecks go to each of our own accounts..as long as he stays true to his word as to making sure that he keeps a roof over our heads we will be fine i think 3|1|make sure you contact his C.O. so that you still get financial support|glennie58|glenn_scott@alumni.ksg.harvard.edu|11:09:52|09/14/2008|
Posted on Sep-14-08 at 11:09 AM (Eastern) by 98.26.122.121
the mililtary is great about this. you should still have access to the base for medical care and food shopping and you should make sure that you aren't put in a position where you have to go to him for money when he gets paid. This can be an ego killer for you and is a favorite control method for a lot of men.
let him get on with it and you get on with your life. it seems to me that a lot of men don't appreciate you until you are doing great without them. Make that happen for yourself and take some time apart from men, just dealing with yourself and your children. Also make sure he has plenty of access to the kids and gets a lot of time with them, and you take off and do stuff you want to do even if it's work, or going to a movie with a girlfriend. Kids take up all our time and it will be nice for him to (re?) discover how much time and effort they really take while you get to take care of yourself for a change.
5|2|sorry to hear you're going through this Trish|Beaglesfly|lmllr77@aol.com|11:13:46|09/14/2008|
it sounds like to me that he is using his drinking as an excuse for leaving the relationship. It seems like he wants to call it quits, but he doesn't want to see you hurt, so he's using the drinking as a reason for leaving (so you don't feel like you did something wrong or that there's something wrong with you, know what I mean?)
I'm sorry to be blatant about it cause I can imagine how much you're hurting.
I would seriously consider what glennie mentioned about protecting yourself financially, just in case. If it turns out you don't need to, then no big deal. But if you don't protect yourself and end up needing to, you'll be in that much more distress than you are now.
Good luck.
Lauren 4|1|A little advice...|sunriver|lithiasalt@cheerful.com|11:12:57|09/14/2008|
First off I am so sorry.
I had my Dh standing over my shoulder and he read your post and the first thing he said was that he was making a huge mistake. Both of us think that he is probably "separating" now just before deployment so that he can maintain some control over leaving rather than just being sent away. My Dh said that he is probably going to be so sorry that he did this to you by the time he returns.
I'm not sure what you can do other than to decide if you want to wait for him to return and go from there with an understanding that he might come back totally different, or maybe not. The next months are likely to be hard on both of you, so try to keep the lines of communication open.
I hope that he comes to his senses. Hang in there and please go eat something healthy! You don't need to add to your health problems by neglecting yourself and not eating is not going to make him stay.
Vanessa
6|2|thanks everyone..|4boysisenough4me|vixen25@msn.com|12:03:16|09/14/2008|
i really appreciate all the advise...i am not even thinking about having another man in my life besides my children..i have only been with 2 men in my 33 years..my ex who passed away and my husband..i dont know where this is going to go, he has always been a heavy drinker and likes to go out a lot, totally opposite of me but that has been a known fact from the day we met. i am devastated and i dont have a family to cry on or for help...my mother gave me up when i was a year old my father i havent seen in 18 years(lives in the phillipines) and i havent spoken to him in years after i was molested by his brother, he didnt believe me and i ended up in foster care till i turned 18. I never thought that something like this would ever happen to us..we had all these plans when we got old and thought we were to be together till we grow old. If it wasnt for my children, i dont think that i would be able to take on life any longer.. i have been through so much, i have put up with so much. the only thing that i can think of is that while we has been on his deployments, quite a bit of his buddies also got divorced due to either drinking or cheating and according to him, it made him open his eyes as to what our homelife has been and how much he has made me suffer through the 13 years we have been together and he doesnt want to drag me down any further. I love him i do, but do u think i should just let him go and see where this will end up? I dont know if i can ever really trust him even if does come back. Due to my experiences with childhood and love life , i do tend to just totally lose affection to those that hurt me...i am heartbroken..not just for myself but for my children as well, especially the 2 oldest who have to go thru this with first my separation with my ex and then his death, now losing their stepfather and also for my youngest 2 who totally adore their father....i am so lost 7|2|he says he loves me..|4boysisenough4me|vixen25@msn.com|12:06:28|09/14/2008|
but not sure if hes still in love with me. which confuses me even more cuz he has always told me that i am the love of his life and i am his best friend and he doesnt want that to change..he said that i dont deserve what he has been putting me thru...and he doesnt want to cause me any more pain 13|3|sent an email to u|sweetbaby12|ssbsankey@cox.net|19:11:45|09/14/2008|
sorry to hear about your situation
9|1|I'm soooo sorry to hear this....I hope you guys can work it out...|kellysp6637|frugalk76@aol.com|13:23:46|09/14/2008|
I know how difficult military relationships can be....sending you my best wishes. 10|1|Trish, I dont know if I can offer any advice....but I am sorry you had such a bomb dropped on you. I am thinking as far as a seperation, if he is about to be deployed, tell him you dont want to file any kind of papers for legal seperation or divorce until after his deployment is over....use that time as the seperation. You could agree to communicate while he is away about the children, and let him know you will discuss his feelings and concerns, but I really dont think it'd be a good idea to file anything official until he returns. I wish you the best, and I hope he comes to realize what he would be throwing away...you seem like a lovely lady.|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|13:39:11|09/14/2008|
"Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy." 11|2|Do you guys have a chance to go to a Marriage Encountern weekend b/4 he deploys? Is he scared something will happen and is trying to break it off now? |Sara_s_Mom|IClipCoupons@gmail.com|14:07:47|09/14/2008|
http://216.170.58.5/interfaith/usenglish.htm --- Marriage Encounter
http://retrouvaille.org/ --- Retrouvaille
Maybe either of these programs can help you hold on to what made you love each other.... good luck :)
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12|1|Trish, so sorry to hear of your troubles. I hope you can work it out and if you can't I hope you can find the peace to deal with this.|Ranalt|ainebailey@gmail.com|15:53:59|09/14/2008|
Life is like a cup of tea,
It's all in how you make it.
Lisa
14|1|Trish...I am so sorry to hear this and I will pray that things work out for the best for all of you (((HUGS)))~*~|RebekkaVA|queen_vulture@msn.com|19:29:29|09/14/2008|
~*~REBEKKA~*~
a.k.a. "Queen Vulture"
Married to my Soul Mate William
"My husband has cancer, Please pray for him"
Mommy to:
Timothy 5/80
Matthew 10/92
Cheyenne 9/99
*EMAIL*: queen_vulture@msn.com
15|1|This could be a good thing|katytibbs|denis.c@att.net|11:52:07|09/15/2008|
It could be that he may decide not to drink....it sounds like he is rethinking his life choices. He may be realizing what alcohol is doing to him, this can be the first sign that he might be willing to stop drinking.
I would pray for God to open his heart to God's will for him and for you.
I would also consider going to Al-Anon so you can learn about how alcohol affects those who drink too much, and how the drinking affects those who live with/love an alcoholic.
It is amazing how alcohol distorts our thinking. 16|2|UPDATE on our situation..|4boysisenough4me|vixen25@msn.com|22:17:00|10/10/2008|
sorry, things in my current life have been up and down the last couple of weeks and i thought i would give ya all on update. it will be one month now since my hubby announced his wanting to separate. i have been a total wreck since. all i want to do is stay curled up in a ball and lie in bed all day. I do get those days where i spend all day when the kids r at school and i have the day off work taking sleeping pills all day just to stop thinking which leads to crazy thoughts. i have hardly have any real motivation with work, or housework. he has been staying at a mutual friends house to sleep or sometimes where ever his drunk butt passes out at. we have had good days n bad days. he comes around pretty much everyday to check in on me n the kids, he will take the kids on the weekends for a nite over where he stays, we still go through our financial responsibilities, he has taken me to my doctors appointments. The bad part is that the navy now knows of our separation and then rumors started flying aoround that he has been sleeping with other women at his command which i know is not true since thanks to cell phone gps tracking, i pretty much know where he at all times and he will even call me when he plans to go to bars ot friends houses. so now the command master chief is all over him and the women suppossedly involved have been briefed and ordered to stay away from him unless it is work related. Hubby is so stressed out cuz now his career has been compromised and is now considering getting out of the navy to save our marriage. he has slept in the same bed with me and yes we did have sex which was very comforting for the both of us and also very emotional. we had agreed that he will move into one of the other rooms across from me in the meantime while we work on us. he leaves for a boat det this week for one month, returns around nov 17th and then we are scheduled to attend a weekend marraige retreat provided by the navy which includes private hotel, food and counseling. our 12 years have been rough from the beggining and when he does come home stressed, he doesnt want to take it out on me or the kids, he stills comes and cuddles and will lie with me just holding me at times. I am trying to be as strong as i can be for the sake of our 4 boys...it has been very hard..i am depressed and lost.. i love this man very much and i know that he loves me. older kids do have an understanding of whats going on but the other 2 youngest 9 and 6 dont really know. I really hope that we will eventually get over this huge hump, he did tell me to just prepare ourselves for the worse just in case,which does scare the living crap out of me .. i believe in marraige and staying through thick n thin....i hope i can get some words of advise from some of my friends here.. i caould really use some:) thanks
trish
17|3|No words of advice.. seems you are set to make marriage last - and if he is gonna go with you to counseling, I would bring up the fact he stays drunk.. I'm sorry for saying this - my dad died a drunk and I will never allow another drunk in my life, to reak havvock..|car_mont|car_mont@hotmail.com|22:58:58|10/10/2008|
PLEASE INCLUDE - USER NAME AND YOUR OFFER if we are in a trade. 18|3|The only advice I can give is to put the kids first...but I'll be praying for you and your husband, I am glad to hear he's willing to go to the retreat for some counsellling and communication time with you....I really do wish you the best, I can see in your words how much this is tearing you up. :(|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|09:22:00|10/11/2008|
"Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy." 19|4|thanks.|4boysisenough4me|vixen25@msn.com|09:38:53|10/11/2008|
im so torn up inside. i am at the point of letting go.. i know there are little things that hes still not telling and as much as i dont wanna belive that there is a possiblity of him seeing orhaving feeling for another woman, there are signs of so but no hard evidence,I am lost and mentally and emotionally drained, even though he will be staying in another part of the house i deel still abandoned and he still comes n go as her pleases. 12 years of relationship and 4 children that adore him is pretty much what i think is our only connection as this point. I cant help to feel that i am competing with this heart and time being that i love this man so much but at this point im not even sure how much he still loves me..should i stick it out and see what happens or should i let him go? 20|5|Pray that God's will be done|angNC|memawang@embarqmail.com|10:14:40|10/11/2008|
I don't know if you are person who believes in God, But tell God your problems.
I have been through some rough times with my marriage, seek Gods will.
21|5|I think if you put the emphasis on the kids and what is best for them, you will have your answer.....I dont know your kids or the current arrangements, I am not living them, so that is for you to decide.....but it isnt healthy for the kids to see you so unhappy and afraid, and to see their dad living in another part of the house and coming and going as he pleases (JMHO)....prayers for you and this difficult decision for you to make...you could wait until after the retreat to make a decision, but be honest with him that you are considering all options, including having him leave.|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|12:38:53|10/11/2008|
"Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy." 22|6|You are in a depression state, so consumed with him -that you can't function... You need to get strong for yourself and children..Find something that occupies your thoughts besides him.. If he stays or goes, your depression is not healthy. Sports, online games, crafts.. anything to take some worry or thoughts away for a little bit .. |car_mont|car_mont@hotmail.com|13:13:13|10/11/2008|
PLEASE INCLUDE - USER NAME AND YOUR OFFER if we are in a trade. 23|7|I'm so sorry this is happening to you |Joan30|joanmarlene@aol.com|14:37:04|10/13/2008|
I do have one question for you...why does your myspace page say you are "single"? I thought you said you were married to this man? 24|8|probably cuz i m mad|4boysisenough4me|vixen25@msn.com|19:06:53|10/13/2008|
i am just in my own lil confused world at the time being....im just trying to keep it strong for my kids 25|8|how did u find..|4boysisenough4me|vixen25@msn.com|20:47:37|10/13/2008|
my myspace page? just wondering:) 26|9|You have the link to it in your original post....|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|20:51:26|10/13/2008|
"Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy." 28|10|silly me|4boysisenough4me|vixen25@msn.com|20:53:41|10/13/2008|
i told u all that im just out of it with all thats been goin on
Trish
29|11|lol, that's ok, we all have moments like that :)|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|20:56:15|10/13/2008|
"Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy." 27|1|Your myspace page link is in here....|saint6811|waylan@comcast.net|20:51:57|10/13/2008|
>Posted on Sep-14-08 at 10:38 AM (Eastern)
>by 68.27.135.131My husband is in the
>navy ,10 years now. He just
>got back friday night after being
>gone for 1 month on a
>det to nevada. Within 10 mins
>of getting home, he tells me
>that he wants us to separate
>so that he can sort out
>his feeling towards me and if
>he ever wants to change his
>partying habits and his drinking. He
>does drink a lot, never been
>abusive to me. I am 33
>he is 32. We have been
>married for 8 years, together for
>12. We have 4 boys, 2
>of the the youngest are ours
>together and my 2 oldest from
>a relationship i had that turned
>bad and my ex passed away
>at at the age of 30
>suddenly due to undiagnosed diabetes. He
>has raised my two oldest boys
>as his own and has been
>providing for them for the last
>12 yrs. kids ages are 13,
>11, 9 and 6. I tried
>to get him to open up
>more about why this sudden decision...i
>get different answers from how we
>2 are so different.. he like
>to party, drink and hang out,
>me on the other hand is
>reserved, dont drink, dont go to
>bars,etc...i am all about home, kids
>and work.. i am a nurse.
>He has always told me and
>his friends that he is happily
>married and now he says that
>he loves me but not sure
>if he is in love with
>me anymore. I am also always
>sick. I have been recently found
>to have little masses in my
>ovaries which have yet to have
>been diagnosed,depression, cervical neck and back
>herniations, chronic fatigue, and mild stenosis,
>but i always do my job
>as a wife and mother and
>keep a fulltime job all through
>out my pain.. i have worked
>at this nursing home for 3
>years with only 2 days of
>calling off due to the flu.
>My husband has known how different
>we are from the first day
>we met and he has told
>me that he has been looking
>to settle down and be with
>a woman who has a good
>head on her shoulder and not
>a party girl. I accepted his
>partying ways as well. I know
>that he will be there for
>me and the kids but I
>am heartbroken and confused. I love
>this man so much. He told
>me that he should want to
>do things for his wife, not
>having to do them. There isnt
>a lot of time left before
>he goes to his 6 month
>deployment and i dont know what
>to do. We have joint bank
>accounts, i also have a separate
>one myself..i own my own vehicle
>so does he...we rent a home,
>in which he says he will
>always pay for to keep a
>roof under me and the kids..he
>will be around whenever we need
>him, just not together. I guess
>he needs his space to sort
>out his feelings towards me and
>if he really wants to be
>with me. He has done this
>before to me about 5 years
>ago as well and I thought
>it was just the so called
>mid life crisis and we have
>been fine since. I am not
>an unattractive woman, not overweight,etc. I
>cook, clean, work, take care the
>kids and him. here is a
>link to my space page
> http://www.myspace.com/netvixen360 There is
>no other woman according to him..he
>has always been a flirt but
>i know he has not cheated
>on me. What to do? I
>am lost, hurt, and confused. I
>havent eaten in 2 days, just
>sipping on coffee and lying on
>the couch. He is suppossed to
>come over sometime to day so
>hopefully we can figure out whats
>next..any advise? Thank you for reading
>thislong post Trish
"Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy."